Sep 07, 2025
So you asked for some feedback and I will oblige. This chapter is very jumbled, it feels like multiple narratives mashed together so I would maybe suggest plotting out what you are hoping to convey in each chapter going forward so you can maintain that throughline without getting distracted. Some of the information seems pointless, but also important? The PTSD is mentioned so nonchalant but I gather you are planning for that to be an integral thing to the character, so maybe dial that up to taking a whole chapter rather than a sentence or two. We know very little about Mason, we're told stuff about him but that's the "show don't tell" issue, so you may want to legitimately consider a prologue chapter before this where we get to see him being selfless, get to see him struggle and suffer before finally giving up and then being told he gets another chance. I bought his anger at being given a second chance, I think you should maybe dial that up more, why would he care what this goddess thinks? He's still depressed, still struggling, and is now told HE gets a second chance but no one else that he knows? The school comes COMPLETELY out of nowhere and truly you should let your characters breath more, give them time to catch a breath before throwing another curveball. You also don't put quotes around Mason's dialogue which makes it a bit difficult to read sometimes so I would also adjust that too. I hope this doesn't come off as mean or anything but you were asking for feedback and I wanted to give you a thorough response because I know how much it can suck to not know what's working in a story.
