Jul 29, 2022
Hello! I saw your critique request and wanted to throw my two cents out there. Thanks for writing such an interesting story, I had a lot of fun reading it!
The fusion of technology and mythology is something I really enjoy. You have an awesome premise here, and right away you do a great job of making a world that’s as intriguing as it is ominous. From the inexplicable damage to the building and the existence of elves and fairies, to the mysterious way Sky loses control of her body, and the dangerous aura of Darkimsoon.
Particularly, Sky’s twist in this chapter was shocking, and the unceremonious way in which we lose not only a new character, but also Meredith and Abby, really shifts the tone to something much darker and more serious, which I believe was your goal. The way Sky isn’t sure of what happens to Isaac, but then immediately resolves to murder both Meredith and Abby, is so strange but in a way that makes me think something much deeper is going on. It’s exciting!
As for the critique you requested, I have a few notes. Firstly, the prose sometimes suffers from grammatical and spelling mistakes, which aren’t terrible, but are somewhat frequent and could be fixed with a few extra passes. Also, there are times when words are repeated very closely to one another, which affects readability just a bit.
Secondly, it feels like things move a bit fast. Not your plot necessarily, but rather, the individual scenes and chapters have somewhat of a jarring pace. You summarize a lot of things, and as a result the story feels passive at times, when it might do better to slow down and show us what’s happening instead.
As an example: in this chapter, we meet Isaac, who Sky forms something of a connection with. They exchange a few words, and then we’re told that they continued to meet up and talk until eventually Sky wonders if she’s falling in love with him. That’s a pretty big emotional moment for her, but it sort of falls flat because, as a reader, I didn’t actually get to see any of that connection develop. Even their first conversation is largely summarized. As a result, it’s hard to feel anything for Isaac by the end of the chapter, or the sympathize with Sky’s loss. If we could have seen some of these conversations, and learned what exactly it was about him that Sky liked, I think it would make his death much more impactful, not just for us, but for her too.
All in all, this was fun! You have a very interesting world that I’d love to see explored more deliberately, and the way you shifted the tone of the entire story in just a few short paragraphs in this chapter was fantastic!
I hope this was helpful! Thank you again for writing this, and please keep up the good work!
