Sep 06, 2022
I find it highly unlikely that the Government, an organization that apparently commits genocide against Deviants, would give Mariah (a Deviant) a cash reward and a guarantee of safety for all of the Deviant children. More likely, I could see the Government torturing the information out of her after she was naive enough to seek them out for Hiroshi's bounty. I think the bombs at the end were totally out of left field, you might consider adding some setup/foreshadowing earlier on in the chapter for Hiroshi's trap. Your writing style tends to be dry and to the point; you might consider using simile, personification, and onomatopoeia to spice things up. In the first few paragraphs you explained the world through Hiroshi's internal dialogue. Remember that showing is better than telling. For instance, instead of Hiroshi's remarks on seeing children and elderly Deviants being murdered, have Hiroshi watch as a child or elderly Deviant is murdered in broad daylight by the ruthless Government, etc. I just wanted to provide some constructive criticism. It's a lot, but please don't stop writing! It looks like this was posted a few years ago, so you've probably already improved, haha