Jul 24, 2022
I think one thing you could really focus on improving is the narration. Starting with the just the first few sentences, we immediately see a list of actions directing Jin from point A to B. It lacks dynamics, it's repetitive, and it even isolates your dialogue (which is better) such that it comes off as stiff.
You should ask yourself, "What catches Jin's interest as he performs these actions? What about this world gives life to it?" It's better woven through Jin's perspective, and it will make for a better. There's undoubtedly thoughts that your characters will have as they encounter each other, details that they will notice about each other. I would slow down and think about how to immerse yourself in their shoes, as this current piece reads much like a summary.
