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Han Quixote

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registered at: Nov 28, 2024

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aaa

May 01, 2025

... There's this show called In/Spectre. I never finished it, but this chapter reminds me of that. If you're going to lean in to the fantastical side of things, I wouldn't be surprised.

What's funny to me is that this feels like the most calming chapter out of everything that's happened in the story. The contrast is bizarre in a good way. The fantastical backstory (so far) is more calming than the high school incidents.

Let me do say something: while I'm not very certain about how strong the foundations of this novel are (I'm guessing we passed the first arc), the foundations are stable enough for you to continue building. So you can definitely continue moving forward.

Admittedly, I think it would have been a fantastic idea to pause here and return to the previous chapters to polish a few things, but we're in the endgame of the contest. And like I said, the foundations are stable enough for you to continue building.

And this chapter, at least for me who has read so far, is a fresh start. Which is cool. A new character is introduced, a new plot line is introduced, the dialogue is different, and I don't know what's going to happen.

I honestly think "Do you think it's okay for them to call the lamp their moon?" is my favorite line of this entire story. And the discussion itself, too.

And let me make a rare speculation: the artificial light and the moon analogy might be referring to Midas and the Devil. I'm pretty confident that I could be wrong since it could also be about false hope or whatever, but seeing that these cultists are trying to conjure the Devil in Midas, I think the analogy could apply there.

And also, I just noticed that there's a sentence in the beginning that says: "the validity of his words didn't Matter as much as his ability to make people believe." So I mean, maybe these guys are just insane and Midas (in the present) is just playing along for the hell of it.

Still, whether or not they actually conjure the Devil in Midas (and whether or not this novel is actually going to lean into the fantastical or Midas has just been misdirecting everyone), I think this kind of childhood would still kinda traumatize Midas in the long run, haha.

So yeah. Lot's of branches from this one chapter. I liked this chapter. I think this is probably not the direction you were originally going to take the story, but I think it's an interesting development.

And if it doesn't work out, you can totally use it somewhere else instead. None of these ideas are bad. There's gold here and there. Maybe you need to scrub it a bit harder in some places to make them shine brighter, but for now, this is fine.

6 days remain! Good luck

Another Twisted Normality

Chapter:15

Apr 30, 2025

To:Deck of Cards

Mr. Wakanda is a legend, and so is his name. Does he have a super big presence in this chapter? No. But is he meme worthy to me? Yes. A gambler teacher who gets tricked into thinking he met someone from the Italian mafia... and his name is... Mr. Wakanda.

I really like his name, and it doesn't break the immersion for me. But for someone else who is a bit more sensitive to these kinds of stuff, it might affect them slightly. There's probably a way to make the name work even with the current setting of the story, but it's not super duper required.

I don't want to character assassinate, but imagining Mr. Wakanda avidly watch the Black Panther movie fifty times in theaters is kinda funny to me

Oh boy, Ms. Shirai is going to make a reappearance...? Poor Tani.
Yeah, this chapter introduced her in such a strong way that it'd be a shame if she didn't pop in and out of the story after this. And her continued presence will probably make the school feel even more alive than it does now.

Yup, yup.

Ambition and the Foreign Girl

Chapter:2

Apr 30, 2025

...........................................................................
^Once again, this is my first reaction. This only happens when I read this novel.

I am baffled. Again. I, well, hm. I mean maybe it's because I don't read or watch this genre? At all? But it feels like I'd be discrediting your creativity if I blame it all on my own inexperience with the genre.

I mean... yeah, okay, let's just start the comment. I'll go in order of thought.

So I do see that each of these chapters start with commentary of Tani's philosophies/views in life. It's a bit hard to read, but it does set a false serious tone each time it appears. Like you're thinking "damn, this guy is so deep", and then you get the rest of the chapter and you go like "okay what the hell happened". So while the opening monologues set a pretty hard contrast to the rest of the chapter each time, it also builds suspense, like "what on Earth is going to happen?"

You do a very particularly good job in balancing dialogue and building the world. You have the leeway of assuming the reader can imagine the atmosphere on their own, but you don't. This is a good decision, in my opinion. The details of how each club is advertising themselves stuck very well in my head.

Now, a very minor thing note I want to make here is about Mr. Wakanda. His name is funny because of Black Panther, but other than that, I did think the way Tani got his "support" for the club was quite outrageous. Definitely more outrageous than the toilet blackmail in the first chapter. It pushes believability, but it just bareeeeeely fits in the "I can believe this" spectrum. So yes, nothing wrong with that. But just noticing that you were walking a very thin line hahaha

And an actual thing I'm confused about: what's a gotokoi? I genuinely can't find any information on what it is.

Anyway, Mr. Wakanda's existence/role in the story actually matters because Tani's relationship with him serves a complete, COMPLETE foil to Tani's relationship with Ms. Shirai.

Genuine insanity. Absolute mayhem. I mean, what? What????

It's hard to explain the system this chapter uses. So let me just draw it out.
Mr. Wakanda: unbelievable manipulation --> plausible outcome (Tani's poster gets hidden behind other posters)
Ms. Shirai: believable manipulation --> WHAT THE ACTUAL ***K (Tani, a high schooler, gets rizzed by local 27 year old teacher)

Holy moly Jesus what??? I mean, do I have to explain further? Do I????

... Either way, it works. IT WORKS. I mean, Jesus... Jesus, man. Outrageous.
But it's also funny because it spends so much time making Tani's manipulation of Ms. Shirai believable (like, I actually found it really clever and interesting how he uses the sweets tactic) and then just FLIPS the table and goes like "alright she got rizzed by Tani and now she's rizzing back"

CRAZY. And Tani is so unintentionally funny, too. "Oh my God! What if no one comes!?" Reminds my of that one image of Light Yagami slamming his desk and grabbing his head in panic HAHA

And then there was that earlier suggestion before the big reveal ("Unless... she could do Tani a little 'favor'."). I was like "wow this is phrased really weirdly. But no way, right? Yeah, no way." And then BAM. Mic drop.

Ahhh. Not my usual cup of tea, but is still sweet nonetheless. You've done an excellent job with this chapter.

Ahhh. ahhhhhahaha.... Ahhhhh.... Ahhh God the teacher rizzed the student... ahahahaha............. I'm losing my mind........

Ambition and the Foreign Girl

Chapter:2

Apr 30, 2025

And I forgot to mention one important thing. Obviously there's much more that could be discussed here that I haven't talked about in depth, but I think this is particularly special enough to deserve a mention. This is extremely important (I'm not kidding, even if it sounds like a joke).

The Lady Tree talks.............. and it WORKS.

Face of Eternity : The Journey of a Little Angel

Chapter:5

Apr 30, 2025

Holy Jesus this is peak
I mean, I don't use that word often (I have no idea if I've ever used it at all during my time here at HF) but this is actually PEAK

This is probably going to be a long one. I'm so sorry there's just so much here

But let's start in order before I get ahead of myself haha. This time I'll start with the interesting writing choices you made.
I first noticed this in the last chapter, but there are segments in dialogue where you simply summarize the exposition instead of writing them as explicit dialogue. I was curious why that was done at first, but now I see that it's an excellent way to save time and also create more diversity in exposition. It can also be attributed to Yalda's own childlike nature (she probably just mentally glosses over her Uncle's exposition, especially if it's something that's considered "mundane" to her).

Second, the "*crunch crunch*" near the beginning made me laugh, but I think it works to add to your own unique writing style. Your writing is strong enough for a reader to know that you wrote it like that intentionally.

That's about it for that... now for the actual story.
First, the mana crisis makes a lot more sense in this chapter. It's not just a life force or "energy"... it's also something that protects the world from becoming "monstrous" or "chaotic". Literally the first thing that comes to mind is Dark Souls's idea of "hollowing". An undead person becomes "hollow" when they don't have a steady supply of "humanity".

It also does remind me of the "Age of Fire", another concept in Dark Souls, but I don't understand the lore behind Dark Souls too explicitly to make a valid comparison between that concept and this.

Anyway, it blows my mind that this world has such similarities, because it seems to me that Yalda's limited perspective on the world slightly prevents the reader to understand what exactly is going on. But upon closer reading, it becomes reading how horrible the effects of Low Mana Affliction is. I mean, if our protagonists GENUINELY FAIL to carry out their mission in this story, this world is could genuinely turn into Dark Souls IV. The stakes are actually quite high.

I mean, I hope you don't take offense to the comparisons. I say you've made it this world distinct enough for it to stand on its own.

Another thing is that Mr. Goblin here knows something about Yalda's race that she doesn't. I mean it should be pretty obvious that Yalda has an extremely limited perspective on life, given that she's six, but his allusion to a dark past really, REALLY makes it clear that Yalda doesn't know things. And in turn, we don't.

And the idea of "fake angel"... huh. Wonder if it's because she's mechanical. And I haven't watched Invincible, but it does make me wonder if there's going to be some kind of similar twist later on (if yes, it's probably not to the same extreme extent...? Right...?)

And the three commandments.... Asimov's Laws.... really makes something clear, huh? Haha

The finally, the magnificent tree brings everything together. From the cave walls to the halo of symbols and to the hobgoblins living in the geode spheres... this is fantastic. I KNOW this chapter had a lot of time and imagination devoted to it. It's crazy.

But the chapter works as a whole because of all the little things combined together. This chapter makes the concept of Mana and life really special, which amplify the mythical presence of the tree.

Everything in this chapter works together so nicely it genuinely just blows my mind.

Oh, and FYI, the music that I decided to listen to in the middle of reading this chapter was "The Ancient Dragon", from Dark Souls. If you know when that song plays in the game, you'd immediately understand why I chose the song (hint: it plays at a "lake").

Fantastic, FANTASTIC job.

(Oh, and I obviously noticed the Minecraft references too haha)

Face of Eternity : The Journey of a Little Angel

Chapter:5

Apr 30, 2025

To:Deck of Cards

... Genuinely makes me terrified to see a comment on the fourth chapter of the story HAHAHA I honestly don't know if my writing holds up anymore. Just seeing someone (new) type "Victor" in the comments doesn't feel real...

But thanks for the feedback You can let me know if something feels off or whatever. Because right now, this work (to me) feels very, very idiosyncratic to the point that I don't know what it looks like for everyone else.

Mr. Atlas

Chapter:4

Apr 30, 2025

To:Orionless

Man I'm not leaving until I finish reading some of the other people's works
That includes ACC and ATN (I'm pretty certain you'll finish ACC in the long run).
And there's also a few other works I want to finish reading. I want to support them as much as possible (without spending my entire life reading HoneyFeed novels lol). I assume it'll take quite a bit of time.
... and I don't know, man. I talk about leaving and all that but I might just end up becoming a permanent reader on HoneyFeed at some point. Not a writer but a reader There's a lot of passionate/interesting novels on here.

Honestly this is getting way too tangential for this novel (but unfortunately this is the way we communicate: in the comments), so I'll just stop here. But I'm sure I'll let you know when I dip (or I'll let you know indirectly through my profile page or something, dunno)

Hang in there, buddy

Blue Monday

Chapter:2

Apr 30, 2025

To:Orionless

Anyway, I think these last two chapters are kinda the end of everything. I've spent the last few hours writing about that other scenario I mentioned (the dark and edgy one), but...... I mean, that's all it ended up being, really. Dark and edgy. No real merit. It ended up mostly working off the "shock" value.

These two chapters are a bit weak in retrospect (trying to distance myself from the protagonist too far probably backfired), but it these two chapters mean much more to me than that other scenario I've been working on. Perhaps these two chapters are weak as "stories", but I do feel like I've gotten something out of my heart.

I don't feel much of a need to write after this.... which is ironic, seeing what I've written in the first chapter here. "The protagonist always comes back to write", yeah. But I feel like this makes it evident that I don't really have anything "tangible" left. It would be very hard to follow these two chapters up, because they aren't structured like stories. These aren't really stories. I SHAPED them to be like stories because I realized that if I didn't, it would just be an author (me) ranting about this and that. Yeah, maybe underneath it all, it's just a rant. There are no valuable conclusions that are reached here.

So yeah, these kinda suck. And I don't mean to bring myself down (or make you feel guilty), but like... these aren't really stories. They're more observations than anything. It's like listening to a tour guide explain something at a zoo.

I mean, this is anticlimactic when you put this next to the fifty chapters I've produced over the last few months. I genuinely, genuinely doubt that I will be able to create another "novel" of that size and heart. Because yeah, I've written my heart out. What's left are the little pieces... and also the dark parts of my heart, which, I really don't see a point in writing about. I don't think it'll help anyone, including myself.

And even then, I have no idea if that other novel is capable of clicking with others. One of my friends asked me to send them my finished novel, and I was like "hahahahahahaha no sorry". Because I don't actually know if it's good. So even now, I have no idea if ANY of my writing efforts will hold water in the long run. Heart isn't everything.

So I think all that's left for me, at least for now, is to... yeah yeah, revise that other novel, I agree. But as for what comes AFTER... well, I don't know. I think all that's left for me on this platform is to support some of the writers I've formed connections with (including you) until they reach the end of their works.

I guess I'm writing this to amend my comment below, because I do see that these two chapters are kinda meh? I mean I personally felt some kind of catharsis by letting it out, but maybe no one else will feel the same way.

And yeah, as a reminder, this isn't me trying to guilt trip you or anything, it's just a genuine admission that I don't think these chapters work as reading material. So don't feel bad. I don't consider these chapters to be complete garbage but I do see that they're probably not as strong as I thought they would be.

Either way, I'm just going to spend the next week (there's literally a single week left now) revising my other novel, while I try to support you and a few other writers. And then after the contest is over, I'm probably just going to read the other writers' novels to completion. That's it. I'll probably disappear from the scene once there's no more writers I have left to support.

Maybe once the contest is fully over, I might come back to create a slightly more better world for my adorable characters to live in, but... I mean, that'd literally just be fan service

I'm going to leave these two chapters up as they are because I do feel like even if they're meh as stories, they also do carry my thoughts that I did want to express, so....... yeah.

I'll pass the writing baton onto you for now. It's all you, buddy

Blue Monday

Chapter:2

Apr 29, 2025

Well..... Hm. Like I said in the first chapter, this protagonist's story is neither tragic nor admirable. The protagonist is more a vessel, a "Stanley" from "The Stanley Parable", if you will. This protagonist wasn't really supposed to generate pity either (and I don't want to try and invoke pity for the protagonist here--that's why this story is written this way, to distance myself from a clear protagonist as much as possible).

What I'm saying that I do feel a subtle "dread" emitted from the chapters. There's some little actions that the protagonist does that adds to this dread, but I think it's generally the "setting" and "ideas" that causes this dread in me.

And like it's written in the opening paragraph of the first chapter: the protagonist's individuality matters so little that we're not even going to name him. So if you feel little to nothing for the protagonist, then, well, I guess it makes sense.

This discrepancy between the reader and the writer isn't very surprising. We think of things differently as individual human beings. And there's no point in explaining my thoughts for this particular story, because unlike that other "novel" I've written, this one wasn't meant to drag the reader in this direction or that direction. It just is. So if you don't get the same feeling I did from thinking about this story, that's fine. It wasn't meant to be the same.

I was just curious if someone else felt the same way as I did, I guess. Not sure how to end this comment because I'm not really sure if I've even responded to anything in particular.

Here's this emoji I don't ever use, I guess:

Blue Monday

Chapter:2

Apr 29, 2025

To:Orionless

Well, I guess that's good. I didn't want to accidentally scare some writer off.
But I personally think the first chapter in particular has a lot of little details that creates a strange feeling as a whole. Eh. The only way I can truly confirm this is if someone else rolls around and interprets my writing in a way I did. But yeah, I probably freaked myself out because it was late at night.

Still, really reminds me of that time I called Adriel's life tragic while you were like "what"

The beauty of having two people read the same thing and come out with different results haha

Blue Monday

Chapter:2

Apr 29, 2025

To:Orionless

Honestly, after writing first chapter, I got so freaked out by my own writing that I couldn't sleep I was going back and forth wondering whether or not I should mark this as horror or not (unfortunately there isn't an "existential horror" tag). And I can't even tell if I'm the only one who feels this strange dread (perhaps to the point of even causing mild fear) coming from these pieces of writing or there actually is something strange in these chapters that are a bit freaky.

I'm not entirely sure what's causing it, but yeah. Very interesting psychological results, at least to me as the writer. Not sure about the reader.

Blue Monday

Chapter:2

Apr 29, 2025

To:Orionless

Adella: "I am sane protagonist. It's so cool!!! Sonovabich"

Another Twisted Normality

Chapter:14

Apr 29, 2025

To:Orionless

Can't wait for Adella to show up in ACC wearing a lab coat
(Horrible idea, and it's only allowed after the contest 💀)

Another Twisted Normality

Chapter:14

Apr 29, 2025

And as a side note, this is perhaps the first time we've seen Midas explicitly "fail" at getting what he wants. Adella's elbow was just that powerful.

The "Adella Is a Time Traveler" theory continues...

God I hope my shenanigans don't end up leading to a character assassination

Another Twisted Normality

Chapter:14

Apr 29, 2025

My head canon is that Adella got a hold of a microwave, slapped a phone onto it, sent an email to her past self saying "Elbow Midas. Does something stupid", then she receives the email and then we get this alternate scene.

Anyway, yeah, this works better. And I like the little added detail of Midas "just trying to be normal."

I still think the last three lines give me ACC vibes, but, well, seeing that Midas seems to be aware of the readers presence (unlike Adriel in ACC who is just monologuing to himself), I mean, sure. Yeah.

This chapter passes the Orionless check.

Sudden thought, but you know, with all the omniscient vibes in this story (and especially with Midas just wanting to hang out with friends), I can imagine you doing a reversal and just switching the tag to "The End Is Now" hahaha

(FYI, the "The End Is Now" prompt is quite strict too, so I wouldn't actually suggest you even consider this unless you can make the correct accommodations and understand the RULES.)

I mean don't take that too seriously, but if this idea fires something in your brain, it might work, who knows. I don't know what you have in plan from here on out, but yeah.

I liked this chapter a lot more. Easier to believe, easier to imagine.

Adella is my GOAT protagonist for changing the future here (I'm guessing no one else will understand what the hell I'm saying for the most part but I find it funny to imagine she's a time traveler now)

Another Twisted Normality

Chapter:14

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