Oct 05, 2025
Alright, since we've hit the end of Part I, time for a critim dump! Hope you don't mind :3
My main gripe so far is that while I really enjoy your action scenes, this particular chapter's fights felt a bit like a rehash of what we've already seen. The centipedes are starting to feel kind of samey, both in how they're described and in the way Chiyo takes them down. The action lines are beginning to blur together cus most of the fights have followed a similar loop of [insert Australian creature here] attacks > Chiyo punches through carapace what have you > [Australian creature] dies > profit. It doesn't help that the sentences often lean on the "I did this, I did that" pattern, e.g. "I jumped… I ran… I punched…"
And while there's some variation in enemy size (Damoiseau > Demoiselle > Madame), their tactics (charge, slam, bite) don't evolve much, which makes the action feel repetitive. There are also a few missed opportunities to play with the desert you've built, like maybe using the sand kicked up by the train’s wheels to blind or slow enemies, or having Chiyo use parts of the train itself to her advantage. Rn it feels like she relies more on her gauntlets than the train, even though the train is supposed to be her main gimmick.
You could argue the repetitiveness is a byproduct of Chiyo grinding to max out her skills, which is fair. But even then, I think a few fresh strategies could help keep the action feeling dynamic.
BUT don't let this critim overshadow the fact that I'm really enjoying your story. Your worldbuilding is fantastic, and your prose manages to be simple yet vivid. You've somehow written an isekai that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out, and yes, that's a compliment and yes, I'm terrible at giving them lmaooo
Ok, now back to our regularly scheduled shitposting :D
