Aug 16, 2025
To:[AFK] Joker
I wouldn't call it immature at all. The dialogue feels really smooth, and I liked how things were introduced naturally. If I had to give one small tip to maybe improve the reading flow, it'd be to cut back a little on the interjections like 'Hikaru said' or 'the person said.' They help with clarity, but when used too often, they can break the flow. If you want, check out Re:Zero. The story flows really well in third person, and they put the characters' names before their lines (just like you did in the first chapter). Could be a good reference.