Jun 05, 2022
Hello! I came from the HF Discord Critique Request channel, and I saw your request for a feedback of your story.
I'd like to start with your specification about 'imaging'. Do you mean about your ability to create an image in your readers' head? For this, I'd give you a good feedback, since the words you used really did create an image of the 'office' for this chapter. Also, the description of your characters is easy to understand; the readers will have a quick idea of what they look like in a few sentences.
However, if you'll permit me, I have found some points you can consider for improvement.
1) Try to group ideas in your narrative. This is especially evident in the earlier part, where you described that Guylaine took the last applicant out of the office after the interview. I got no problems with that, until I reached the second paragraph that says the last interviewee (poor chap) had no chances in getting the position he was applying for.
I had to re-read this part to understand that the POV shifted from the interviewee to the interviewer herself. Perhaps, instead of the pronoun 'she', you can use her name to show the 'break' of the POV and not confuse some readers? You can also break your paragraph wherein the first half is about the last interviewee, and the second has already shifted to the interviewer (and show her name again--even just once--to reorient your reader).
2) The punctuations seem off. When using quotation marks, (" "), the dialogue is often followed by a comma (,) if a dialogue tag followed it (a dialogue tag is the phrases 'she said.' or 'he said', or anything similar). Avoid capitalizing your dialogue tag if it's following a dialogue.
Example:
"We'll see how his background check looks. I sent it last night so you could make your calls today and get some rest for saturday." Caroline replied.
Proper: "We'll see how his background check looks. I sent it last night so you could make your calls today and get some rest for Saturday," Caroline replied.
(Caroline is proper noun, so it is capitalized. If it's a common noun, it should be in lower case.)
(Also, don't forget to capitalize names for days, like Saturday! ^_^)
Continuing on, it only becomes a period (.) when there's no dialogue tag.
Example: "We'll see how his background check looks. I sent it last night so you could make your calls today and get some rest for Saturday."
Furthermore, exclamation marks (!) and question marks (?) remain the same even when there's a dialogue tag, and there's no capitalization too.
Example: "We'll see how his background check looks. I sent it last night so you could make your calls today and get some rest for Saturday!" Caroline replied.
"We'll see how his background check looks. I sent it last night so you could make your calls today and get some rest for Saturday, maybe?" Caroline replied.
Well, that's if for now. Overall, the story is looking good, but the chapters are still few to make an impression. Grammar-wise it's good, and easy to understand (though there are a few awkward sentences). Hope this review helps you in your journey as an author!
