May 29, 2022
Hello! I came from HF DC's Critique Request Channel, so I went and looked at your story.
Honestly, I'm not that well-read when it comes to sports-themed novels/manga. However, here are my observations:
I start with the points that needs improvement:
1) The earlier parts of your story felt forced. I understand that you're trying to build an atmosphere before you headed to the exciting parts, however, I think it needs improvement. It felt like I was reading a newspaper, and the 'atmosphere' to build (the implied romantic attraction between the two main characters) didn't materialize.
Perhaps the fault lies on how the sentences were written? It's too short and blunt. My suggestion is, try using similes, metaphors, contrast and/or adjectives to build a 'picture' of the setting and the 'mood'. Also, combining some sentences can help with the story flow too.
Positives!
1) The middle to end parts of the story are the best. You were able to write the tension and excitement that is one of the main selling points of sports-themed stories.
2) The technical stuff about scoring is explained well, but not in one 'spoonfeed'. You actually showed how bowling is won via dialogues and situation, and it's what kept me reading. Good job!
Overall, the story has potential. Honestly, I'm not a reader who's into sports-themed novels, but your work kept me interested until the end. Keep up the good work, and enjoy writing!
