Jul 08, 2021
Hey!! Finally got to your chapter!
Akira was awesome, I love your descriptions as they helped me picture my visuals, and that he’s a NEET. I also like the different powers the characters have, sounds like this will be a fun story!
I will advise to make your paragraphs less dense, since many of them are super long and it can be a turn off for some readers who like things spaced. A tip someone else gave me to also help with mine was that if the topic or the subject of description has changed, it’s better to start that with a new line.
For example:
She felt warm and comforting to him, as if he was wrapped in a nice blanket.
*SPACE*
It was a feeling he had forgotten long ago.
*SPACE*
Akira slipped into bed and drifted to sleep.
I hope this helps!! <3 Good job on your premise!!