Sep 08, 2021
I think what you have so far is an intriguing, if confusing (in a good way), opening to your story - though, a few more concrete details about the world itself would be appreciated here and there. I also think that you have a pretty solid main duo in your story as well, and I’m curious to see where their relationship will develop from here.
I do, however, think there are 2 areas where you could greatly improve your story.
1 - Some of what should be your more powerful/impactful lines should be their own paragraph for greater emphasis. For example, in this chapter, the paragraph that starts with ‘He…hugged me…’ would have a stronger impact if they were each their own mini paragraph.
2 - I did feel like I had to read your synopsis to fully comprehend everything that was going on initially. This might seem like a minor thing, but if the reader has to, in a way, ‘leave the story’ to understand what’s going on, then that could cause issues down the line.
Ultimately, I think this could be a good starting point to your story - it just needs some touching up.
