Jun 21, 2022
Saw your query in the Discord server and went to give it a shot. I have mixed opinions on its introduction.
For one, if you decide to rewrite or edit this, please make sure to use proper spacing between lines. It’s very hard to get a good flow of what’s happening simply because everything reads like one block of text. Two, I’d recommend using some form of grammar-check whether English is your first language or not— if you’re not fully comfortable with the language, it’s better than nothing.
Apart from the technical errors, the main issues I see with it are:
The transitions between scenes are written poorly. This isn’t because you’re a bad writer, and it might have a lot to do with the spacing mentioned previously. Regardless, try to set a scene when transitioning so that the audience has an expectation.
Speaking of scene-building, it doesn’t seem to be your forte. A lot of what I just read seemed to happen in a vaccuum— the only concrete setting I could see in any of it was the hospital room, and I’m not even certain of that.
One positive is that the chapters are consumable fairly quickly. That is, they’re easy and quick to read. That’s really good for an audience who just wants to pick up something quick.
However, that benefit has its downside. Your story feels super rushed. You tried to fit a whole bunch in not a lot of time. I know the feeling— I’ve experienced it before in my own novel (which you don’t have to read, just clarifying). When rewriting (or writing future chapters), just try to give events some breathing room. Tense moments should be given space; you shouldn’t fit a bunch into one arguably short chapter.
Finally, I’ll say I can’t relate to your character as much as I wish to. The most important part of writing a character is to clue the audience in on their situation and personality. So far, he’s a blank slate.
That leaves one last good note to leave off on. You’re certainly not a bad writer. You have numerous issues, but none that can’t be fixed without a bit of effort and constraint. (At least, that I’ve seen so far.) With that, take care. I might read on, I might not. We’ll find out when the time comes, or when it doesn’t. :3
