Dec 18, 2021
I do like the idea of a study-crammed, depressed student falling in love with a sweet happy girl. The way you executed the idea, though, was a tad subpar.
One- as a previous comment has mentioned, there are no paragraph breaks. These should be used on both dialogue (to separate the people speaking and give it flow) and to split large portions of text. It’s hard to follow along when it’s just one paragraph. If you need examples, you can look at most novels on here. You could choose mine if you wanted, or you could choose Realm Assassin, or A Kat’s Blessing, or whatever. They all use line breaks.
Two- there are many run-on sentences. In essence, that means you kept the sentence going on for way too long. I’ll give you an example of one now with this sentence because it’s pretty long isn’t it I’m sure you agree that yes this sentence is in fact substantial in size however due to this it’s quality is lacking and that’s exactly what the issue is. See how that’s hard to follow? It’s a similar issue. It mostly contributes to the line break issue.
Three (this is the last one I swear)- spelling. Again, this has already been pointed out, but there are misspellings at very important story beats that make an impact. You can use a simple spell check for that.
That’s all I have to say, if I don’t want to get extremely critical. I like your ideas and can’t wait to see them evolve. Good luck in the future! :3
