Aug 18, 2021
Alright so... I wanted to offer my thoughts up to this point.
First off, I think you have a very interesting set up and world. It's evident that you put a good deal of thought in constructing the world, and you have good flow for most of the novel. I find good flow anywhere is difficult to accomplish, so I just wanted to commemorate that. You have a great deal of potential for character development and some wicked twists later on. Your characters are likeable and blank slates with personality. A lot of blank slates don't have a personality so they just end up being boring.
I think you have a lot of exposition. That's not a bad thing, but there's a lot of it packed into the first couple chapters. Mixed in with all that exposition you have a lot of background with Nia and Aez. I feel like it's a little too much exposition and background in such a short amount of time. I think too much exposition feels like a history lesson on a world I don't care about just yet. I like to spread my exposition around to points when I feel like something needs explained to the reader.
I also feel like you push a lot of background on us a little too fast. It feels like you're trying to make us care about Nia and Aez when we could be introduced to them as the story progresses. Nia seems like the 'main' main character so I think getting a view into her thoughts is good enough for development, but Aez on the other hand. Maybe Mers can ask them about themselves in an attempt to be nicer or something and that's when we learn more about Aez. I also think you repeat a lot of your character's background a few times to exemplify that we should care about them.
(This is just some of my thoughts. I don't think it's necessarily a good or bad thing, but I wanted to input how I usually like world and character development.)
Nia seems like an emotional person, so I can understand that she thinks about her parents a lot, but they seem to come up almost every few paragraphs. If I remember correctly, they died when she was real young right? I feel if they died at that point in her life, they wouldn't be affecting her this much when she's 18. Maybe when Granny and Leo leave, she gets reminded of her parents, but otherwise I think she mentions them a little too much. It feels like we're supposed to care about her situation more because she's crying over her memories, but I'm a very apathetic person so I found it a bit intrusive.
The final part of this chapter confused me a bit.
*Some spoilers for anyone reading all this before the story*
When Nia shot the serpent, why didn't it just run or maybe Mers say 'Stop?'
Also why did the policemen come to arrest Nia and Aez? Sure there were shots... But there was no body. Unless the giant serpent was still laying around, but I wouldn't count that as a murder unless I knew who he was. But the police gave almost every refugee a gun, (which a gun in the hands of a worried, scared, untrained person is extremely dangerous.) and when they heard shots they immediately assumed murder and not, undead? Also why does Aaron have the authority to just say 'Buzz off?'
Anyway, I hope this all helps and makes sense. If you re-write this, let me know. I'll be sure to check it out.
