Jul 24, 2022
Uh, okay...interesting, I guess?
I'll have to point out that the mentor's death wasn't very touching. We didn't know the guy, and you didn't do enough to get us attached to him, so when he was dead, I actually felt more amused than sad. Like, c'mon, Jin, something was clearly wrong at the beginning of the story, and you're only realizing that he's dead now? It didn't feel...real.
The characters like Emily, Seth and Edward seem really cool, I guess. The bandits are a bit one-dimensional, like they exist only for Jin to show off his magic and save Emily or something along those lines, and then to set up a conflict later, but otherwise, they seem a bit flat. Not that it matters, I guess they do their job well enough.
Not sure what to say, but there are a few odd word choices here, like Happy Jin. Smiling Jin. Shy Jin. Confused Jin. And quite a bit of missing punctuation. Also, there was are a few times when you suddenly switch from past tense to present tense. Like Emily breaks the silence or interrupts when you were using past tense (said, etc.) the previous paragraph. The third from last paragraph is a perfect example. Everyone gatherED their bags and Jun openED up a secret place, but then Jin grabS and leaveS and prayS. Stick to either present tense or past tense, don't keep switching between them.
