Aug 13, 2023
Nice work setting up the scene in the first paragraph. But a comma in between hyphens makes the sentence harder to read, as well as how long the sentence runs on (4 lines). I would replace those hypens with a â:â or something else and break up the sentence right before âand I could say this as non-judgementallyâŠâ to increase readability. By the end of the paragraph Iâm also left wondering whether our narrator used to frequent mixers or used to do heavy make-up (Iâm exaggerating, itâs clear from context but does require a retake, which breaks the flow.)
Love the way the ambience bleeds into the scene with the thunder booming and lightning flashing while theyâre having their conversation. The line âShe stared at the floor. She poke to it, tooâ is a really good one.
There are not a lot of dialogue tags in the umbrella convo but thatâs completely fine, itâs immediately clear who is speaking. In some stories the lack of dialogue tags makes it unclear who is doing the talking but thatâs not an issue here.
The âSo itâd been that umbrellaâ paragraph has a lot of dialogue broken up by narration which forces the reader to slow down and take good care to notice all the dialogue markers. Itâs not confusing per se but it does cause a bit of head-scratching to exactly figure out when narrator-kun is talking and when heâs thinking. Aim for maximum clarity, is my personal motto.
The âtalking to her is asking to get usedâ flashback doesnât really feel relevant here since sheâs going out of her way to help narrator-kun retrieve his umbrella despite losing it. Except of course if it was your intention to contrast her good intentions against the warning of others. If that is the case, then Iâd play more into that than a single flashback line.
The final parts before the little time jump are enjoyable. âThatâsallIwantedtosaybyeâ got a haha out of me.
âAfter failing to follow my younger sisterâs newest diet guidelinesâ is an opening sentence that I fail to understand the meaning of. Can you explain what you exactly meant to convey with that? I would also drop the âforâ in âshopped forâ. Because it just kind of hangs there.
The convo with dad about the umbrella is a funny twist and also introduces the question why dad hates the umbrella that much. But the end of that conversation feels a bit wonky. The âsadlyâ sits there doing nothing and Kaguyaâs inconsistency in getting up only to immediately sit back down is a mystery to me.
--- This is where I gave up on in-depth critique and just went with the flow ---
Okay so itâs a love poem written by the dad that heâs come to hate. Perhaps a blooming teenage love that fell through?
Based piDgeon spelling, the only correct way to do it. Kya would be proud.
Face to shoulder is another funny line, as well as narrator-kun questioning whether or not to ask Izumiâs girlfriendâs name I kind of hope she doesnât tell him and it stays as a running gag. I feel like humor is a strong suit of yours.
Oh, so Hoshino Yuki, got it.
More great comedy in the rest of this chapter. You got a few laughs out of me. Please write a full on comedy at some point. Iâm sitting with my bare knees on concrete to beg while writing this btw.
Iâm done rambling, Iâll keep it concise in future chapters and just go with it.
