Apr 11, 2025
Before I start, let me tell you this: I've already read both chapters (I have a tendency to read more than a chapter before seeing if it's worth commenting). I read them while eating my dinner and decided that I really wanted to comment on your novel as soon as possible. So right now, I'm sitting on the dinner table with my MacBook open and my soup half eaten.
Anyway, I do want to start by saying that this is a fascinating chapter and premise. I opened it a few times yesterday, gave up, then finally decided to read it all the way through. And honestly? This is a really strong opening.
My style of commenting is explaining what I think while I read, so please bear with me while I explain my thoughts. Or don't. Your choice haha
I would say (I hope you don't mind the comparison) that as I was reading this specific chapter, I had a thought that this opening premise itself holds the potential to create another STEINS;GATE. Synaptech is a good name for a company, and you already create tension by mentioning the potential danger of the protagonist's actions. And not only that, I really like your comparison of LYRICA to IRIS. It makes it feel like Mark is a "liberator" of AI's potential from their shackles. And the presence of Mark's friends also makes the build up to IRIS's activation exciting.
So considering all that... when Mark finally activates IRIS, it's a cathartic moment. It's done very well.
I also think you have a solid cognitive science and manage to make it a fresh breath of air. I used to study cognitive science until I switched, so I recognize a lot of the terms and dilemmas. You REALLY did your homework. And to be clear, THIS is what initially hooked me. So the protagonist really does seem like an expert of their field, and the immersion was never broken.
Let me say this, though--before I did start reading, what I did throw me off was the bold words. You bolded some important sentences/words, and it did hurt my eyes a bit. And near the end, you bolded the sentence about the "most evil grins ever..." Personally I think that the bold font was a bit unnecessary for some of the instances. Maybe try italics instead?
And the opening dialogue... haha, "My Name is Mark." It makes me think of the "My name is Peter B. Parker [...] and for the last twenty-two years..." stuff from the Spider-verse movies. This isn't a negative or a positive, just an observation.
The only genuine issue I see with this chapter is that there's a part in the story where you wrote "Mark sighs". Maybe you wrote this in third person at some point, changed it, then forgot to edit it?
Either way, this is a good chapter that holds A LOT of potential! I'll might comment later on the second chapter later if I have something to say (as I mentioned before--I already read it), but right now, I'm gonna go and finish my food 😅
Oh, and by the way, I do have my own instinctive concerns about how this novel might turn out, so I'm gonna say this: this is a good chapter, but I'm not yet sure if it will successfully support the rest of the story. A story's foundations always end up positively and negatively affecting the following chapters, so if you rush forward too quickly, things might end up falling apart due to instability.
But don't worry, even if that happens, you can always go back and change things.
But yeah. This was an interesting chapter!
let's see how things play out from here. The themes of the novel haven't changed, but I think there will be an additional flavor in the novel from now on. Which is nervous yet exciting to me! I wonder how the novel is going to look as a whole, looking at the first and the second parts...?