Mar 03, 2025
So I actually read the first chapter of your story about a week back, but I've now returned to read it all the way through.
I think your style of writing mostly aligns with that of a visual novel's... specifically STEINS;GATE. It flows very well and the main character speaks/thinks similarly to how Okabe Rintaro does in the visual novel. Thanks to your clever style of writing, the story is easy to read, and it's easy to discern what is going on.
At the same time, it's not immediately clear to me where the story is going or what is promised.
After reading four chapters, it seems that it's around this chapter that things are slowly starting to unfold... and the opening monologue (or soliloquy, I should say) is very, very strong. I mean very, VERY strong. I genuinely feel that this is the strongest segment of your story. And what follows--the reunion between Adriel and Fox--is also the most powerful interaction of the story, precisely because Adriel has finally reconnected with an aspect of his past.
However, it does make me feel a bit sad that this "strongest segment" appears in chapter five. Perhaps that's simply just a drawback of using Honeyfeed: the chapters are relatively short compared to actual novels. I'd say your chapters 1 through 4 would normally have been a single chapter, and chapter 5 would actually begin the second chapter of this novel. In that case, this would be the strongest way to begin the second chapter of the novel.
The question, then, becomes whether or not a reader makes it to this point.
I think this story is really coherent and functional... but I would say that the foundational first chapter seems to be a bit too vague for a reader to really guess what's going to happen. I, for one, couldn't really guess what was going to happen. It could be argued that this keeps your story mysterious, but... how should I say this... I feel that there aren't enough "crumbs" littered through chapters one through three to hook a reader quickly. Perhaps there are some hints and foreshadowing that I missed, but I think this might mean that there needs to be a stronger "hint" earlier somewhere that makes the reader go "oh? What's this?"
I mean, then again, "The Stranger" by Albert Camus is kinda the same way (unless you read the synopsis beforehand), but... I personally felt that additional context in the first chapter could help the reader see where the story is going.
Specifically, I see that the story begins with the protagonist attempting to start his life clean... which is most likely the reason I feel a bit confused on where the story is going.
It works in the perspective of the protagonist, because it's not like he doesn't know his reasons for doing so. He's doing this intentionally, and he actually remembers why he chose to actively forget.
But as a reader (myself), reading the first chapter is almost like waking up in a foreign with no memories and wondering what's going on... and then, for some reason, I watch my body act in certain ways without knowing why.
I felt like this until about chapter four, which was where I saw some blatant hints about the protagonist's past life.
... This slightly feels like unwarranted advice, but I just wanted to let you know the perspective of one of your readers. And plus, I'm not really an official writer, so I might be giving a really bad opinion.
I feel that the story mostly works--I just think that the foundation has the potential to be more powerful. Beginning with "I am homeless and I am going to forget about my past" is intriguing, but it may come at the cost of leaving the reader disoriented. Perhaps there's a way to circumvent that disorientation? For example, adding the last few seconds/minutes of his thoughts before he decides he is homeless and that he's going to start anew... might give a glimpse of the protagonist's true self before the protagonist chooses to erase his past. I think that would make a reader think, "hm, I guess this story is going to come back to this at some point."
... Ah, I've prattled too much. It's your story--please don't feel the need to actually implement anything I said. But whatever the case, I think my thoughts may give a glimpse of what a reader might be thinking. I hope my thoughts, at the very least, make you wonder a few things before you proceed to the next chapter.
In summary: I think this is the strongest chapter by far, which makes me look back to the first three chapters and wonder what you would write now that it's been about eight months since you wrote your foundational chapters. Perhaps you would have done things slightly differently? Or perhaps you wouldn't change anything at all?
I do wish there was more feedback on here, so I could compare my thoughts to other readers' opinions... but I guess here's my 2 cents.
Sorry for the long comment, haha. Like I said, I'm not a professional writer... but I just wanted to give feedback. I think it's generally very advantageous to get a glimpse of what your readers are thinking.
