Apr 02, 2025
To:Orionless
Well, I doubt you can write like this without loving your characters. Otherwise you'd be better off writing an essay or an article, right? And if you didn't love your characters, I doubt I would have read this far haha
I can feel that you're trying!
Well, here comes the review (some specific, some more focused on the whole).
I won't comment on the humor used in this chapter, but I will say I have no idea how other readers might react to it. I'll just dismiss it as everyone's immaturity. It's realistic (because people make those jokes all the time) so I will give it points for realism. Other than that, I can say that this chapter was pretty chill.
Still, it was interesting that Lyra laughed at that. She seems to be the only one in the family who REALLY looked out for him.
Anyway, I personally do feel that there's quite a few gaps between the chapters--this isn't necessarily a negative, but there is still more that can be said. It seems they are relatively comfortable with each others' presence at this point, but I do remember in an earlier chapter (chapter five) where you did an interesting move where you began with an introspection, then talked about the present (where it had been one or two days of living with the family and getting made fun of), and THEN talked about how the job went.
This was an interesting move at the time, but I'd like to point out that you actually did a time skip there. You essentially went from setting up the interview (chapter 4) --> introspection (chapter 5) --> ***mentioning briefly how it was like at the house over one or two days*** --> the interview --> meeting people at work (chapter 6)--> working, balding, walking home
What I'm saying is that at this point, I think Adriel has spent very little time at home from the perspective of the reader aside from chapter 3. I'm not sure if you're aware of that.
As a reminder, this isn't a negative. I personally think that this will probably not be an issue in the long run. Still, I thought it was a good idea to point out the flow of the story you used. It's quite peculiar, if I must say so myself.
I think initially as I read this chapter (because of the "gaps") I was like "damn these guys are still just straight up bullying him," but then I realized Adriel must have spent most of his time outside because of the job situation. So maybe this will change in the future, once whatever you've alluded to happens. Or maybe it won't and the dynamics will remain constant or get worse. Only you know.
Oh, and additionally, that intro of this chapter (with the "tap tap tap")--one thing I noticed from your work and other works is that writing with minimal details is excellent for flow, but it's also very difficult to control the pace at which the reader consumes the text. I think this is more the fault of the reader (me, because I accidentally read it too quickly and had to reread it slowly lmao) but just wanted to make an observation. It's always fascinating when I read too quickly and fail to process that the scene was actually quite long.
Anyway, keep it up!
... Oh, wait, by the way, dude, it's interesting: up until this chapter, I kinda felt that things were looking better, but, man, this chapter makes everything kinda feel gloomy. Like suddenly it clicked in my head (literally now) that Adriel is getting absolutely steamrolled by life.
"A Coward's Comedy," huh. With all the things that are happening, it feels like a tragicomedy. It's just that it's so cleverly masked by the protagonist's humor and inner voice that I kinda didn't realize it.
In that sense, good work, haha.
