Sep 04, 2026
Ok a few things.
Prose and writing style are great. I think you do a good job of explaining actions, movements, and life situations. Some lines rely a little too much on simile, so be careful on the long haul because that can get redundant and lose its impact. A few lines feel too repetitive. That, plus em dashes, can make some people assume this is AI or aided by AI. I’m not making an accusation in the slightest, it’s more just a caution that it will rub some readers the wrong way.
Excellent moment of Soren cutting scallions before being “isekai’d”.
You do a good job setting up how mundane and somewhat miserable they both are in their daily lives.
I’d break up that long input code segment at the beginning, with the contract seed. It offers important detail but it’s just a wall of jargon in some ways. Put a few lines of reaction or something in between there just to keep it more engaging. My default reaction was to scroll by it because stuff like that is often not directly important and will likely be explained later, so trying to comprehend it feels like a waste of effort on first read.
My biggest question and concern from a writing perspective is Soren.
He brutally murders his “friend”
That feels uhhhhhh not realistic.
If he’s supposed to understand what happened, that seems a bit impractical. Does he have knowledge of this realm? Is he heartbroken/enraged to be here? You kind of make it seem like his life was boring, so why does he strangle and decapitate his so called friend within seconds of being here? That feels very sloppy and will turn most people away. I’d wager it will turn judges away.
Also, if you don’t know my stuff, I’ve been a finalist twice and am known for pushing the envelope of what is contest appropriate. I’ve had an orgy scene, I had a character rip his own eye out of place. You can do a decent amount, but it needs to be justified and grounded. Even Enno’s Intercity Excursions opens with the lead character killing themselves and going splat. But it serves purpose and is set up clearly. Soren’s behavior feels edge lord and misdirected. Also, we followed his friend at first so you establish that we can see others’ reactions. I think it would be interesting to know what the friend was thinking feeling as his only friend murders him.
This has potential to be interesting, and I don’t think you need to drastically tone down or anything, just make it mean something. Especially if Soren is supposed to be the tragic hero? Heroes need something redemptive so having a violent, emotionless murder open him to the audience is certainly a choice but again, it will likely make many readers and potentially judges drop this and assume it’s just edgelord revenge stuff. It may not be, and your polished writing implies that it could be more, but just ge mindful of first impressions.
I’ll read a few more chapters!
