Dec 23, 2024
I liked the first chapter quite a bit with the parents, the little detail about Shion's mom olympic career was a great detail and i really believed that the two were in love. Revenge as a set up is always a classic hook in stories and we empathize with Shion
We want to root for her, especially with how much hardship she goes through. And that the first chapter of the story focuses on the parents makes their deaths impactful.
I do have some points of constructive criticism, i hope thats okay, there is room for improvement. Your plot synopsis contains information on the setting and story that are very important to the plot which arent really integrated in the story itself. What if someone skips the synopsis as a number of readers will? It is kind of confusing why Shion being born is such a big deal, the existance of the SS, the eugenics and so on. It would probably be better for those things to be atleast somewhat established before we jump into the revenge. I wasnt confused, but i would have been have i skiped reading your synopsis.
Another point I have noticed is the lack of descriptiveness on the locations, you did show us the flying taxis but i want to know more. How does New Japan look like? How did the rebel base look like? How does this world feel to be in? How does it smell? The colors?
I don't want to sound harsh or mean but I think a bit more descriptions would go a long way in helping the world sizzle with atmosphere and life. I know you have in your head how the world looks and feels like, and show us your imagination! There doesnt need to be paragraphs of endless descriptions, a few sentences would do just fine and greatly improve on the sense of place.
These are observations based on a first impression, maybe that changes as the story goes on, I still enjoyed what I read so far! I love good revenge tales and i think its cool so far, just needs a bit more in my opinion :)
P.S. i remember seeing this work with the old cover, i think this one is a lot better ;)
