Jan 09, 2026
To:Makari_Mikage_Japan
Yes, personally I think that would help a lot.
Like I said, I didn’t make it halfway through Chapter 2 because the bullying and violence keep escalating without pause. In my opinion, the dynamic between Alishia and her bullies could fit into half a chapter or one chapter at most. Less is more. ;)
I really think the story would benefit from giving the reader some breathing room early on, and from adding a hint of the fantasy world as soon as Chapter 1. Even a small sign of hope or mystery can make a big difference.
Of course, I know that changing this might mean rethinking parts of your plan, especially since you’ve already written a lot. But there is also a risk in breaking Alishia too completely from the very start: some readers may struggle to truly connect with her. If pity becomes the main reason to care about her, it can sometimes have the opposite effect.
Most stories with “broken” characters that really stayed with me started with some light, warmth, or hope, before things collapsed. That contrast makes the fall much more powerful.
Small side note: I’m not sure an orphan who struggles that much and gets robbed often would realistically prioritize buying an iPhone, even second-hand. Just saying “a smartphone” might feel more believable. ;)
