Dec 17, 2024
Heyo,
For starters, I do like your concept quite a fair bit, although I'm a bit unclear as to what it's actually building up to. The idea of a high-strung, uptight little heiress with a reputation for reporting the pettiest of crimes is very fun, because it heralds a certain comedy - even though that is most likely not the focus here. It's still a welcome addition and a captivating one at that. Echoing Myra's comment, I'd really be interested to see how Calla develops a little more.
I would've liked her to have a bit of a stronger voice, if I'm being honest. Whilst she has a very strong and obvious personality, the way it's conveyed is a little lacking. Her *character* often seems to take a backseat, letting the *narrator* side of her to do most of the heavy lifting. That is most obvious when there are explanations about certain concepts, the Boundary, who her father, professor Karz are, what some worldbuilding concepts mean. But her opinions seem to be delivered in the same kind of tone and writing, and this lack of distinction makes it difficult for me to engage with her character properly. For instance, I am unsure whether she has a bit of a snob, bratty streak, or if that's just something I'm reading into the little difference between her two narrative modes.
To circle back to the confusion I expressed at the outset of this comment: there are a lot of plot points that are being built upon in this prologue, but they are, to put it a bit bluntly, kitchen sink worldbuilding. We have golems, and monorails, and a lot of laws banning 'bad' stuff, and time travel and battleships. That's a lot. A lot to be crammed in ~3k words, and a lot to be simply sped through, whilst still being afforded some narrative importance. Whilst the elements I enumerated can all live harmoniously under the umbrella of one novel, I think a bit more breathing room could make them flourish a bit more.
You also don't need to focus on so many aspects of worldbuilding so early. I think a lot of the time you're pausing the action to exposit something, under the impression that the reader won't get it. And honestly, whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I feel like that breakaway harms more than benefits the reader. You can state concepts like the Monorail without explaining its speed or the height at which it travels. You don't have to explain that the laws now ban a lot of vices. These are details that steal focus away from the plot at hand, in order to further a world that, due to the details' often summary or equally as often 'flavourful' nature, doesn't feel complete.
As such, I feel like you could really serve to have a more clear cut direction in this piece. The opening conversation between Shiloh and Calla is great, as it establishes Calla's character both within her own assessment, and weighed against her peers. I think t's her character that should then remain at the helm of this episode for the duration of this opener. When Ezri steps out of that portal we should have a very definitive idea of: who Calla is broadly (which we do) and what does she want and why (which we don't). We should also have these ideas reified through conversations and inner monologue, rather than it being told to us.
Anyway, that is all. A very solid effort, my dearest.
Kind regards,
Bubbles
