May 08, 2025
How are there 100k people left in the world, but there's thousands of them in podunk rural nowhere? That's one.
Two, I feel like you're rushing through the story a fair amount. There is very little detail put into setting the scene; if anything, the only thing we get to that amount is the characters' reactions to it, which doesn't exactly do any justice. You can't create a film just by showing me the audience's face as they watch it. It would benefit you a lot if you took some time to describe things: the atmosphere, the characters, the protagonist's mental state. All of these are just brushed over so quickly that there's no sense of depth to be gleaned from your composition. It's just all over before I know it.
Three, by this point I would've expected our protagonist here to show some amount of traits, flaws and qualities, or any such combination of motivation and personality to individualise him. So far, the most unique thing about him is his ability, but that's hardly something definitory. The fact that you don't really have a lead makes it difficult for me to engage with your story with more than a glossed gaze, since there's no one for me to relate to. What does Gabe feel beyond the reactions to his environment? How is he faring in what is a genuinely collapsing world? Does he have any thoughts beyond a rote relating of the events that unfold before him? These are the kinds of questions your narration should try to answer *at the same time* as it progresses. Unfortunately, your plot moves on, but it leaves the characters standing still behind it.
