Nov 10, 2023
To begin with, I think the writing here is a bit too technical. A lot of things are sort of just 'stated' with no regard to whatever came before or what comes after – the sentences feel self-contained. That makes the whole thing read a little bit mechanical. You can serve to create a picture in paragraphs more so than in individual pieces – it'll make your writing a bit more fluid.
The narrative thread here is also a bit thin. There's this vague gesture at a plot, but that gets thrown away pretty quickly, which is fine. The only issue after is that you sort of start rambling about some vague feeling of sadness and despair, then end up with a 'well, fuck it i'll be hopeful'. When the core plot beats are this generic, it does you well to add some spice, to unconventionalise your narrative. Otherwise, unless your writing is stellar (and even then, it's not a guarantee), you'll lose people.
At any rate, good effort. Best of luck in the competition,
Bubbles.
