Dec 24, 2024
Right, three chapter in, time to stop.
Tbh, I don't vibe with the story at all. I think a lot of it is extremely self-indulgent in all the wrong ways: smart-sounding, yet utterly hollow phrases; plot twists and turns that are cool to imagine, but hard to execute, and harder still to be identified by a reader; characters that spout one-liner banters, whilst they're one note thus far.
Zooming in on that last point, I have to ask about Arufa. We are around 5k in and honestly, most of what she's done is kind of reactionary or simply there. She's literally introduced as a rule of cool character in an action sequence that basically exists. Then she gets the shimmer hallucinations twice and that's it? What are her goals? What are her underlying personality traits other than smart-mouthed and quick-witted? Why is the first stake we get from her a very confusing plot-first 'dude, where's my car?' bit.
Speaking of the plot - I can appreciate first act and three chapters and what-not, but the only thing that 'would' (not will) keep me going is the mystery. The issue is that it's just not very well crafted. It's sudden, jarring, incongruous with the world at large - out of place. Assuming intent, but it feels like in some abstract pursuit of being a smart mystery story, you're pursuing some axioms: don't reveal too much, be abstract and vague, create tension out of nowhere - but they simply don't work. They pull at the plot in different directions and you can argue they filter out the less erudite readers, but they also filter out the readers who can see through the shtick.
And when you pair this with the prose... is a VN the inspiration for this? This is how it reads - short, blunt sentences, relying on the artificial flow engendered by mouse clicks or button taps; one-line paragraphs with the longer ones often lapsing outside their logical units. Feels like a medium mismatch, but I could be wrong.
Anyway, don't let my 'hater comment' dissuade you. I am not your story's judge :) And really, with the amount of support you got, I should be (and encourage you to treat me as) a drop in a bucket.
Best of luck,
Bubbles.
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