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Bubbles

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I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020

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aaa

Jul 06, 2021

Welp, it was about time I got to reading this :3

Couple of opinions: I like Aurora (of course I do, she's based on my favourite person from the community) and she has an interesting personality. If I could jot her down in a broad stroke that'd be 'Bubbly Han Solo.' However, apart from a couple of interactions at the beginning that showcased her, the rest of it feels like she's just going through the motions. Rather soullessly. Something to keep in mind.

The pacing is adequate, captivating even. I have liked the dynamism conferred by the interactions between Aurora and the control tower/bridge what have you. The sense of urgency, however, it felt a little in and out of there. The carelessness of Aurora's reaction kind of fell flat when the only indication of necessity we have is from one adverb describing the commander's speech.

As for the worldbuilding, it's enormous and properly showcased, bits and pieces sticking out here and there, but nothing too drastic to require overhauls. It's a nice balance you've struck, compared to previous works, so bravo (I'd use italics if I could).

Lastly, the plot, albeit not explored, is a good cliffhanger, WN-style. We are left with sufficiently many questions that we want to keep reading and enough clarity to read out of enjoyment, not spiteful want of understanding. So, overall, I suppose all I have to say is...

Good job :3

Bubbles, out :3

Lost Paradise

Chapter:1

Jul 06, 2021

*hoo boi*

So, plenty of things to dissect here, let's start with the basics.

A flash-forward beginning, meant to set the scene. Valiant attempt, the execution fell a little flat because it was only one paragraph. The feeling of dread was rather lost, being conveyed only in a couple of words scattered throughout the sentences.

Then we have the bulk which is a simple routine, growing eerie around halfway through. Thing is, I believe the chapter would be more or less the same without the drivel of going through the motions with the MC, especially since it doesn't seem like he's doing anything special. And special is what I came here to read, so...

Then we have the transition which, finally kicked things into motion and set us on the right path. The descriptions were on point (if a little summary at times, but I'm willing to ignore that) and the tension finally became palpable, being properly explored. The cliffhanger we're left on was superb, because it reads precisely like a zombie story, letting the reader want more.

That is all I have for now.

Bubbles, out :3

My Everyday Life in Hell. (Unfinished)

Chapter:0

Jul 05, 2021

I loved this :3

It gives a very Konosuba-esque vibe just because of how ridiculous Snazzy-chan is and how quirky everything is from the narrative style to the sheer absurdity of it all. I hope this continues to be as comedic and light-hearted as this first chapter :3

Why Kill? When Witches Can Be Tentacled!

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

This is a rather interesting concept, unfortunately struggling from the approach taken. The air is of mystery, however we are slapped with unknown after unknown and it really detracts from the atmosphere we're supposed to feel.

The descriptions are lacking, the dullness described unfortunately seeping into the word choice. The characters are rather one-note, simply heads we're made aware of before their lines are uttered to no end.

I have to say that I loved Emma, though, she felt like the only one to have a sense of personality, her sarcasm and awkward jokes ringing very close to my heart. I'd advise you to use her a lot, she's by far the best of the bunch.

Bubbles, out :3

A School Christmas Story

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

The atmosphere is gnawing from the start, but it's unfortunately the only thing going for the story. I felt a little confused when reading it, partly because information is tossed at the reader without much of a time to digest, before the next bit is tossed in.

The tonal shifts that happen here and there took me out of the ominous feel and the transition in the middle felt very sudden. Overall, I think this could be a lot more streamlined with a bit more length and attention to the stylistic constraints such a heavy plot imposes.

Bubbles, out :3

Zero.

Chapter:1

Jul 05, 2021

With a cover like this, I was expecting epic fights from the get-go and I must say I got what I bargained for. I particularly enjoyed the way the fights played out, although having been described a little summary and lackluster at times. But that didn't matter, the pacing was adequate and kept me enthralled for the entire read.

The dialogue, however, falls a little bit short. Noah's is primarily used for exposition and it comes across as very unnatural. For the most part, he is literally just explaining the world to someone he seems to just have met. Try to make him a little less of a plot-device in the future.

Bubbles, out :3

REALM ASSASSIN

Chapter:0

Apr 09, 2021

Hiho :3

So, this story, this story. First and foremost it has a super captivating premise! I like the ideas of lucid dreaming and dreamscapes in general, so this is an instant hook for me.

As for the style, it could use some work. Try to ease off the repetitions. Sometimes you tend to use the same word a lot in quick succession and it makes the composition feel simplistic. The same comment can be made about the descriptions, which are either lacking or extremely broad and undetailed.

A potential way to make the writing flow better is to alternate your sentence structure. As of now, most of them start with the subject and follow the same pattern: X did Y. It's important to switch the focus every now and again, so that the reader can have their attention wandering past the character itself; this makes for a more natural experience.

As for the pacing, it's quite adequate. It's brisk, just as it should be for this type of beginning, and it ends on a cliffhanger that really makes the reader want to keep reading, find out what's happening. That's a kudos from me :3

Bubbles, out <3

Forbidden Dreamscape

Chapter:1

Aug 18, 2020

Okay, so lengthier chapter this time around, super duper, let's tackle it.

So, we get to take a peek at the family, and at Aiden's rather heroic antics. Pretty good so far. The little elements are good enough to put together to create a telling narrative and indirect characterisation, so it fills in quite nicely. Especially the sister 'covering' for her brother as well as the mother's distrust in her son.

However, there's a bit too much exposition here. Every new introduction comes with a side of biographic information, and it feels cumbersome and clumsy. Especially in the fighting scene, it really breaks the tempo.

At the same time, the thugs' dialogue is extremely awkward, they speak as if they're a sports colour caster, so maybe have their dialogue be a little more natural and less...GOAAAAL!

However, the ending in a cliffhanger is pretty well-done. With a new rogue in the gallery whose first act is doing a swan dive off the tallest tower, it leaves the reader wanting more. That's a good way to keep the suspense up and the wait for the next part exciting.

Child Of Darkness

Chapter:3

Aug 18, 2020

Great, so fun chapter. A cool mechanic to this age regression isekai was to actually add some childishness to the mind of an infant. Plus, some nice descriptions on the feeling of glee a baby feels at the very sound of their mother's voice.

However, there are a couple of word choices that are...odd? Like the 'seething torrent of tears.' It makes it feel a little hateful? Don't concern yourself with using fancy wording, just do it as it feels natural. It's much better to keep it simple and within your means rather than just use some expressions you've read somewhere. The spatial descriptions also fall in the same category, so just look them over a little.

However, I must concede that this world feels strange, but in a good way. It's that isekai alien feeling that's hard to pin down and write, so kudos on that. I'm intrigued to see where that ominous tower will lead.

Child Of Darkness

Chapter:2

Aug 18, 2020

Great, so, first of all, nice follow through. Prologues usually needn't have the main character as their focus so switching to a new character is a good choice.

As for the actual content, let's dive in. There are quite a few issues with the pacing, namely it feels a bit abrupt. The progression is rather sudden, especially with the fall and then the waking up. It gave the feeling like it wanted it to be over and done with, and that kind of broke the flow of the story a lot. Don't be afraid to pause and elaborate at crucial times, it helps a lot.

I loved the mechanic of the isekai-like reincarnation, though. Being reborn as a baby with all your memories can be quite...something for a suicidal person. Also, quite disconcerting, seeing as you're kind of trapped in a body unsuitable for your mind.

One thing I'm a little against, as a personal preference, is the year and location thing. It's kind of the ultimate cop-out. There are a ton of ways to shoehorn that information in, extremely organic ways while at it. Like have it taught to the baby boy, or have it mentioned in an overheard conversation. It would also heighten the confusion aspect of it, making the reveal all the more satisfying.

Lastly, I'm excited. I've read a ton of webnovels/webcomics with this type of plot and they've always had quite an unique take on the subject matter, so I'm looking forward to what this has to offer.

Child Of Darkness

Chapter:1

Aug 18, 2020

So, couple of thoughts (figured I'd drop the introduction).

It was an intriguing start to a novel, albeit a bit too sudden. A bit more actual description and fewer metaphors could've made the switch less jarring, but it was fine as it was.

A qualm I had was that there was too much...purple writing. It beat around the bush too much and in the end just resonated the same ideas back to me. It's good for padding, not good for storytelling.

Regardless, I'm curious now. I want to see what happens with those 12 demons and if they carry the mythological nomenclature I expect. After all, it seems to be a recurring theme within your literature, what with all the Greek Pantheon at your disposal (Looking at you, primordial darkness, Erebus.)

Child Of Darkness

Chapter:0

Aug 14, 2020

Hewwo!

So, let's start with the beginning, as it is:) Beautiful writing, splendid word usage and portrayal and I love your imagery and pacing! It felt...right, not too fast, not too slow and the events flowed naturally, one after another.

The descriptive part at the beginning was well-crafted and I loved the slightly meditative tone it put out. It reminded me a lot of those old mahou shoujo series, where it all began with an introspective look into the character's core motivations, their power source and their values. *Might be far from what was meant, but that's how I saw it and I loved it.*

I have a couple of qualms, though...First of all, this needs a reread by yourself. There are a couple of mistakes here and there, mostly pertaining to grammar and sentence structure. Those are the innocent, unforced mistakes, and they're good to make, actually! On a reread they heighten your ability to spot them firsthand!

Another qualm I had was with some of the descriptions. Some were a little too verbose, especially the one that pertained to the symbols of the incantation. Also, some had a bit of an odd-wording to them, an example of which would be 'plain as saucers' (I understood it but still found it a bit...off)

But lastly, I loved the scene where the HeartBit of Damnation (I see whatchu did there) was introduced and fought. I liked it especially since it is a force, not necessarily an individual that's being fought, which adds an extra layer of complexity to the story.

Plus, the characters are quite neatly drawn (with words), penciled with that pleasant cautious senpai - reckless kouhai vibe which I'm an absolute fan of.

I would advise editing the chapters a bit before publishing them, giving them one good ol' sweep for mistakes and looking for a more...not normal but plain wording. Whilst being unique is great, being too unique can be a bit of a turn-off since it comes across as disconcerting rather than quirky-unique. BUT! I loved it. Loved the characters, loved the action, loved the incantation. Set me back to 90s era anime. 10/10 would recommend.

Yours truly,
Bubbles <3

Ideasthesia

Chapter:0

Aug 14, 2020

Heyo,

I just wanted to say that I absolutely loved this eerie prologue you've written! The dehumanised figure of Salem, her goal, her thought process and her entire character was all pristinely crafted and I have no takeaways or qualms to incur there.

It was a beautiful read, with descriptions sweeping upon one another, a soft, gallant pace that built to the conclusion of the prologue naturally and organically and that left me wanting a lot more to read, because I was genuinely interested in what this machine (which I will guess is the main character if this were to be a perfect prologue) will turn out to be.

The form of the writing was amazing, inner monologue perfectly mingled with narration, events being attributed with meaning and feelings put behind them, all beautiful. There are certain flaws here and there, grammatical ones, mind you (spelling errors, words being omitted and certain phrases being a little nonsensical but nothing a reread won't do)

One thing I'd like to point out is that, at times, the writing takes a turn for the purple. It becomes too laden with pompous words and phrases that it actually detracts from the quality of the writing. An example to bring int o question is the multiple monikers you've used for Salem in the beginning (white girl, corpse, ghost, etc.). At the time of her name reveal I was lead to believe there were two different characters that have merged together, so I'd advise you tone it down a little as it may prove not confusing, but hard to digest for some.

Still, this was a masterfully crafted piece that I wholeheartedly enjoy and I can't wait for the next installment!

Yours truly,
Bubbles <3

Exuberance

Chapter:0

Aug 13, 2020

Hiyaaa,

Beautiful continuation from the prologue. I loved it, loved the characters and their dynamic, as well as the way her confusion was portrayed. The accident is mysterious enough to warrant a further read, I'm hooked!

A couple issues I've had, though: the writing feels a little robotic at times. There are a lot of 'said's in quick succession that become bothersome, and the dialogue is a bit unpolished. You can drop the big, overly eloquent sentences. They're kids and doctors explaining situations to kids, it's natural they're making it easy to understand. *Also, if you don't want to repeat stuff just use 'this' or 'that', pronouns not weird words like 'fluid.'*

I loved the dynamic between the two sisters. Caring, loving and a good, solid foundation for a relationship to be explored later on. And they had a cute moment at the beginning, with the 'bear-hugs' to further underline their sisterhood.

However, at first read I had a hard time discerning between her and Bonnie? Are they the same person, since I recall there being only 3 kids in the beginning, so...? Am I missing something? It might be so because it's late here, so sorryyyy.

But anyway, good chapter, needs a little bit of polish (you misspelt some things and straight up ate some letters), but it's a great hook for the story! I hope we see some intrigue soon.

Yours truly,
Bubbles <3

Who am I?

Chapter:1

Aug 13, 2020

Heyo, Bubbles here and I like reviewing stuff for peeps!

I liked this prologue so muuuch. It was fast-paced, the short sentences made it feel like the character's train of thought was rushed and panicked and conveyed the atmosphere so well.

The mystery is amazing, I love the fact that she feels like she's alien to the world, but more so to her own body. The way she can't even feel herself is so telling to kidnapping victims and I found that a great stylistic choice, good job!

One qualm I had was at some point you've made a couple of ana/epiphoras that felt a little clumsy, especially with the rushed tone of the action. You would be better off just separating it into two-word sentences. Also, your grammar is a little off at times, but a small rereading would iron out those mistakes. It's your first chapter so it's important for it to be polished for the viewers!

Anyhow, this is a great prologue and a great hook, congratulations on it!

Yours truly,
Bubbles

Who am I?

Chapter:0

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