Jul 14, 2021
Hiho!
I can tell that clear effort has been put into this story and I would like to preface by saying that it's very nice! It might be out of line to assume this, but I believe that English might not be your native language, so kudos for trying to get out of your comfort zone and write this :3
I would advise you, as you're starting, to use software like grammarly to help with your grammar. There are many instances where there are errors and they add up enough to amount for a reading experience that might put off plenty of people. That should be a priority for you :3
As for the style, I would like to point out that you don't need to explain everything that's going on. For the most part, everything that we come to learn is being *told* to us. Hardly anything is being shown. Sometimes sadness comes across better from just looking at things. It's important to exercise a little bit of visual (or sensory) storytelling, otherwise your composition becomes very bland.
To also deter blandness, try to vary your sentence structure a little bit. A lot of them are very straightforward 'This thing is like that', and after a while it is rather repetitive. You can toy around with your words a little, do a bit of wordplay, some similes, some metaphors. It's only through trial that you can learn how to do them and even if they aren't spectacular, a little bit of trial and error goes a long way.
In the same vein, try to abstain from explanatory writing. Treat your readers like intellectuals who can put two and two together. For example, when you write a thought, you don't need to say 'right after thinking that', because that's implied. However, writing 'as he thought that' is different, since it *adds* more information. You'll get the hang of it, don't worry, I believe in you ;3
As for the characters, I like them a lot. I feel like your imagination really flourishes here and they are rather nice individuals, all of them. Especially Ain, he feels very genuine and a sad cutie pie. The scene construction is also very well-thought and I can see some very nice ideas put in, particularly with the scene where he scrapes off their tombstones and then prays.
But when you create a scene, please use a little bit more description. Sometimes, it really makes a difference. Just a woman statue doesn't give me much information. I want to see what the character feels when they see the statue. Or what kind of atmosphere that statue commands. Or even how light dances under its chin making it seem like its taking breath. Descriptions always help adding vividness to a scenery that would otherwise remain rather devoid of it :3
I'm sorry if anything came across as condescending and I hope my feedback helped :3 Keep thinking of cute characters and scenes, that's where you excel at and try working on the points I mentioned if you find them agreeable.
That's it.
Bubbles, out :3
