Mar 03, 2022
I caught up to this and I will probably recommend it to the discord server after I write this.
I just want to say that I'm a very big fan of the raw, personal, together-with perspective you have going on for you here. Foregoing the fact that the issue at hand rings very close to my heart for personal reasons, the statement of which probably reveals more about me than intended, I believe it's a very intimate look into an extremely intimate issue.
What strikes me is the prose, first and foremost. While bearing similarities to something more traditional in nature, I think it does a fair job of distancing itself from that. You've found a very good style that I assume mixes both the zeitgeist of the website and your artistic sensibilities and I can only commend you for that.
What strikes me is how innocent, but targeted Misaki's process is. Because you referred to them as a 'her' in the titles but the story is what it is, I'll err on the side of caution and use 'them' moving forward. I think the events you've chosen are perfect to convey the confusion, the impulse, the want and the 'need' even, of someone undergoing this acute process of self-discovery and revolt, in a way. As you put it (might be a paraphrase) but they have '[their] "girl" duty' said in a way that implies it to be a burden.
While I'm not one to assume, I feel like this warrants stating. If this isn't a self-referrential piece, then it's a splendid example of social research. If it is, then you've succeeded in creating literature out of experience, which is something far too many authors fail.
Though it might nullify my points, I'd still like to point some things out. I enjoy the style very much, but I feel like it lacks a degree of polish. I believe at some point the descriptions become far too technical and detailed and while it might have some stylistic value I can't discern, I believe it harms the overall atmosphere, pacing and tone of the narration. Examples include the way the phone was thrown into the thicket and the door of the school was opened. I also think that, for what it's worth, the story feels very nebulous for something that's rather far from a stream of consciousness. I think the grounding is a bit lacking, to the point where some more entrenched details could help create a more accurate view of the situation. I understand that, perhaps, this effect was intended — a play on the tumultuous and confusing experience, the entire first-person narration carries a dream-like note. But I think that this effect, good as its intention might be, is hampered here and there.
I hope I'll remember to finish this story when it's finished. I'll extend an invitation for you to notify me when your story is finished, whether by a comment here (which my moderating duties bound me to read), one on any of my postings, or, if you are there, a message on the discord server.
Thanks for your work and I hope you keep going.
Bubbles, out.
