Bubbles

Bubbles

I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020
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    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2021
    Finalist - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2022
    Participant - MAL x Honeyfeed Writing Contest 2023


    Jul 29, 2021

    Hiho!

    What a lovely little bit of prose we have here. Truly, truly masterful, dare I say. Let us jump into the analysis.

    Plot-wise I feel like this is an astounding beginning. It has a chorus, really, making the perspective feel all the more unique; 'in medias res', much like this particular bit of story doesn't begin as. Rather, it's doing a clever mise-en-abyme. Clever, clever indeed. The events portrayed are also put in an interesting parallel, the prologue reading precisely like an involuntary memory, Proustian in all its right, recalling the 'evanescent' moment of what could be easily considered the central, yet still corner, piece of the novel. Lovely, lovely.

    The characters are a bit broad-stroked for my taste. For the most part the 'Ice Queen' has its own rightfully brilliant juxtaposition. The cathartic effect of her writing is interesting. However, our Kohei-kun feels extremely reactionary in contrast. There isn't anything I get from his character apart from extremely vague swatches. His will to keep a journal and reminisce? His academic ineptitude? His awe at a beautiful girl? It's uniqueness through style, but not through character. The prologue alone cements a bit, but not the other. Observer main character, but a first person observer has to be marked by some personality. Alas, this falls short of it.

    As for the style, it's beautiful. It's particularly effective through its simplicity. Much unlike all the other LNs I've read. And even though I don't necessarily enjoy the lacking it imposes, I'm not going to dig on it for being what it is, since it's not bad. I guess some congratulations are in order, are they not?

    I think that's all I had to say.

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    1
    Cover
    Why I Write
    Chapter:0

    Jul 28, 2021

    Hiho.

    I will preface my comment by saying that I'm a wavering fan of stream of consciousness stories, stories much like yours, mind you. Therefore, you can take my comment here with an enormous grain of salt.

    I can't discuss plot where none is, particularly since this is in the 'who needs plot' category. If anything, I can use this space to discuss the idea of the narrator being a completely ingenuous and unfiltered mess of thoughts and feelings. And whilst it's not bad in any way, there needs to be a balance, and balance here there isn't. Purposefully writing things to be confusing, I saw you mention, a la hermeticism. The only problem with that is that simply divulging a train of thought without too much of a plot surrounding it can become tiresome very quickly. Especially when most of the train of thought comes through parallel observations that are extremely explicitly departing from the 'main' storyline. Maybe I don't understand it, maybe I'm just a philistine, but I can say that it's an exercise in moderation that I believe is needed here.

    The character is a rather interesting specimen too. His inner monologue is marred by these seemingly senseless observations that do feel like they link together in a consistent stream. Of ramblings, nonetheless, but they do have an odd charm I can't pinpoint. If anything they feel like the musings of a child set in adult form, which might be some indication of some form of autism or debilitating mental condition. I'd find it peculiar for someone sane and literate enough to study foreign literature to speak as so, so...if anything comes off that, kudos are in order, I suppose.

    As for the style, no comment. I feel like it's unwarranted.

    That's all I had to say.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    My Thinking Story (V. 1.2)
    (UNFINISHED) My Thinking Story
    Chapter:1

    Jul 28, 2021

    Hiho.

    Very nice premise, very nice chapter overall. An interesting take on catfishing, with a lot of gender bending to go through. Splendid. :3 And as a gender bender enthusiast, I'm going to give my delightful two cents on this.

    I can't really take anything away from this chapter, it was quite a nice beginning. For the most part, Shiki's character is very well-crafted. A typical hikikomori who's got a nice gimmick to his character that we don't often see in these kinds of stories. Very good idea and an execution that hopefully pays off. I wonder how long did he actually work on his disguise? Should I read more to find out, hmm...

    The plot is, slow-starting, so I won't be giving my two cents on it thus far. If anything, this chapter feels like just mixing in the ingredients for what's to come later. It might be advisable to give a bit more taste of the story to this hook, keep the reader a bit more aware of the situation at hand. Just a shimmering glance, really. :3

    As for the style, there are a couple of repetitive structures that make the chapter feel a little stale. Particularly the scene where he scrolls through the IG clone, it feels like the sentences kind of...dose off with him. Try spicing it up a little bit around that area, give the writing a bit more spunk. It seems like a light-hearted tone you're going for, so why not make it a bit funkier whilst at it. :3

    That's all I can say. Very nice story, very enjoyable and an idea that should carry the weight on its own.

    Bubbles, out. :3

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    2
    Updated cover
    Being a Girl Online Made Me Become a Girl in Real Life
    Chapter:1

    Jul 28, 2021

    Hiho.

    I must say that the premise has something very unique to it. Based on the synopsis, I can probably form a good enough idea on what will be happening, but the question is...is that alone enough to keep me going? Let's find out.

    The plot is described as if we're faced with a terrible race against the clock, which in a sense is true. If anything, this absurd amount of tension felt from an exam is inadvertently comical in its portrayal. Genius, one might say, because it encapsulates something so common and so tangible that you can't help but relate to it. But alas, there is something lacking. In this tense moment we are never presented with a stake. Many people fail tests, but that isn't always the end of the world. We don't know if this is a final exam, an end all and be all. Based on the main character's rather apathetic nature we're not led to believe otherwise. And if anything, he gets flared up when he sees people cheat, so is that really the spark that's supposed to drive me forward? One furtive glance that apparently triggers an awakening. And one that our dear Makoto barely processes. Our next dissection begins.

    Makoto is, fundamentally, the typical average joe. The want to be relatable in Light Novels, really. Can't fault him, nor you for using a character like this, it's realism, after all. But the issue with him is that he is weak, not in personality, but in presence. What do we know about him? Not very much. And his motivation? Not very clear. If anything his development, as stated above, has an unprecedented effect in him, apparently. And he simply sits through it to emulate it. Barely any turmoil about the decision. He sees two entrepreneurs and with a minimum of processing he simply goes as the saying goes, 'Monkey see, monkey do'. Really hard to get behind someone whose entire train of thought is event-driven, like a party game.

    As for the style, this is probably the best part of the chapter. It's gripping you in a way, particularly through the absurdity I've mentioned earlier. It doesn't take long to be entertained by it, the comic being subtle enough to tickle my fancy. Not much to be taken away from it, it has its own simplistic, yet unique charm that probably served as the main force behind my finishing of this chapter.

    I believe that should be more than enough critique.

    Bubbles, out.

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    2
    Slacker Squad: Why Work When You Can Cheat?
    Chapter:0

    Jul 28, 2021

    Hiho.

    I must say that when I read the title, the actual twist was nowhere in sight for me. And whilst I prided myself in knowing a book from its cover, synopsis and title, this was among the few who have actually befuddled me. But enough about introduction, let's get to the review, shall we?

    The atmospheric feel of the writing is definitely a strong point here that should be further explored. The artistic images are abundant, from the auditory pitter-patter of the rain to the pastel of hydrangea flowers sat in a neat little garden, it's a festival of the senses. Alas, one that is simply stated. It really begs the question whether something existing is simply enough to warrant beauty. It might be better if elements in a description actually held more meaning to the eye of the beholder rather than just a simple stating, wouldn't they?

    Plot-wise, the pacing is what I feel is the most uncertain, mostly because it's inconsistent. Some episodes are narrated in a very melancholic, overtly descriptive way, to the point where they become droning, like the brief respite between the two meetings. Whereas others, particularly around the dialogues have a perfect mixture of slowness and dynamic that makes them flow as naturally as they can. The issue with the former elements is their length and lack of overall meaning. Long paragraphs that go over inconsequential after inconsequential, adding nothing more than a drop of rain barely audible in the monsoon outside.

    The characters are nice as they are. I believe the boy to be quite introspective for his young age, but that isn't as unbelievable as one might think. Personally, I find it fascinating when the youth is more developed, spiritually, then an adult. As for his inner monologue, limited as it is, I suppose it makes sense for it to be so, therefore it gets a pass. The dynamic between him and his ex-girlfriend is truly something worth studying more, and I want to praise you for introducing such a fascinating relationship to this prompt. Not really much to detract here.

    As for the style, oof, now we're getting into my specialty. I would say there is a 'je ne sais quoi' missing, but I'd be lying. There is a flow problem afoot, one that is perfectly obvious in the way information is presented to us. It's lacking cohesion, we are being shown the rain and then a little story. One's mind would try to seek a connection between these two events, but apart from a general veil of sadness none is drawn. It's deceiving the reader with a false affectionate memory... And as far as descriptions go, spacing them out with bits of information could work, definitely, but for that to happen, there needs to be perfect correlation between elements. From a style point of view, that doesn't happen...

    Alas, I think I've expressed enough here. A very good effort and an extremely interesting premise that alone is bound to draw you in. Probably just enough to overlook the other qualms.

    That's it.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    When My Ex-Girlfriend Came For a Visit, It Was Raining.
    Chapter:1

    Jul 28, 2021

    Hiho.

    Let's dive headfirst into this piece.

    The main character is the thing I'll say speaks the most to me. Abandoned and orphaned, as much of a savage as the ones he hates and kills, truly a person rife with conflict that's waiting to be discovered. His inner monologue is captivating, if a bit barren, but it serves its purpose for the most part. Great job. :3

    Now, onto the more tiresome elements. Exposition is much too abundant and much too jarring. As such, I feel like the first half is nothing but a background to what should be happening in the second half. And the worst part is that it feels simply unneeded. Especially not in the way you're putting it, always in-between the lines of narration as if the narrator has to pause, turn to the reader and explain everything. And the fact that the exposition lacks any personality makes it all the less impactful. It's first person, right? Shouldn't everything reek of the thoughts and ideas of the main character? For the most part it feels like he's reading them off a script. Luckily, this tempers in the second half, the only caveat I have is that the transition is an absolute cliff. It's sudden, much too sudden and it feels too convenient. There was no foreshadowing, no indication that this could, would or should happen. Surprises are good, but jarring ones aren't. At least you could show a bit of wrestling to fight the influence...

    As for the style, it's typical for LNs, so as much as I try to fault it, I won't go into too much detail. If anything, it strives to differ from the norm by adding a modicum of depth to the descriptions, but the rest falls in the same tiresome formula. The primary detractor is the repetitions and oh, the explanations. Little to be shown, a lot to be told and savages upon savages upon savages...They can be 'they' too, can they not?

    I think that's enough from me.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    Ruler of the Outland
    Chapter:1

    Jul 28, 2021

    Hiho.

    Let's begin dissecting this baseball bonanza, shall we.

    The character of Bentley is surely what's bound to carry this story. From the 'delicious' quirk of him liking only the artificial lemon-flavour, to his rich relationship with his sister, it all comes together to form someone very human, very genuine. And I praise you for the attention to detail and thought you've put into creating Bentley. He seems to feel a lot, more so through actions than through words. Especially interesting when you think about the connotations associating with hair brushing.

    The plot is where things start to be a little bit shaky. Whilst the ominousness is drawn upon in various ways, it feels a little bit cheap. Particularly with how on the nose it is. Explicit warnings and men devoid of emotion speaking in foreboding tongues. It would take a child not to gauge what's coming and I am no child. Subtlety works better in these situations, especially with the slightly melancholic tone that you seem to go for. Alas, this is but one of the stylistic inconsistencies that make an otherwise beautiful piece crumble.

    Your writing is unfortunately haphazard. It flows, then it stops, then it pours, then it floods. It's a beautifully constructed paragraph with motions that feel fluid, followed (or sometimes broken) by clumsy wording. The descriptions in particular feel very monotonous. Because whilst the sentences themselves paint a beautiful picture, it feels as if the next swatch on the canvas is simply taking the portrait elsewhere. This is apparent in both Bentley's and the bus stop's portrayal. Every feature is just listed as if in bullet points. There is no transition, no panning, no flowing, only cuts. And cuts are good in action, not here. Not to mention how the usage of subject-first sentences over and over again doesn't help much in infusing emotion into anything. If anything, the repetition makes it feel droning, rather soulless. It's an impactful scene, but out of focus...

    I think that's enough from me.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    I Failed As a Professional Baseball Player And Now Have To Fight Otherworldly Creatures With Nothing But a Baseball Bat
    Chapter:1

    Jul 28, 2021

    Hiho.

    Let me start by expressing great admiration in what amounts to a very Oliver Twisty opening. Ven rings very true to her, whilst keeping an air of unique volition to her. She seems to aspire to something far greater than what the town of Renning offers her and the expectation is surely that we'll soon see what the rest of the world has to offer. In particular, an excellent job is that of embedding a set of opinions into the character early on. About her more or less unfortunate situation, about the constant filth, surprisingly little about the patrons and exquisitely much about the matriarch. A very, very well-thought choice.

    The plot elements are very well put-together, a slow start but a scrumptious one whilst at it. The ominous air looms onward from the prologue into this chapter and does an adamantly apt job at portraying that something wicked will go down at The Last Moon festival. Something wicked this way comes, after all.

    Where it unfortunately goes down for me is the style. Whilst it reminds me of tales from other times, much beloved tales whilst at it, there is the problem of it being too charged. Word economy is being both used and overlooked here, by means of using a powerful and varied arsenal of words, but then diving into nitpicking at every little nook and every minute fiber of a blanket. There are a lot of origins, details and explanations that, whilst still very masterfully crafted, either add little to the overall scene, atmosphere or emotion or simply fail to entice. And as such, crowding the writing with them leaves a tone that at times becomes incongruent with the scene portrayed. The *narrow* *crawl*space doesn't really convey the suffocating feel one would expect. And Ven's horror at being discovered by her mother was rather eclipsed by an unfortunately long routine of unmuddling. It's these little imbalances that strike at an otherwise impenetrable wall of writing.

    As for a question, is it your stylistic choice to renounce the convention of commas before dialogue tagging? If so, may I ask why?

    I suppose this is enough of a comment.

    Bubbles, out.

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    0
    A Whisper in Scarlet
    A Whisper in Scarlet
    Chapter:1

    Jul 27, 2021

    Hiho!

    I've finally reached this point. Took me quite a long while. Let's jump into it.

    The dialogue is by far the strongest part of this chapter. Noah and Dolly's interactions are very amusing and natural, and they speak volumes of both of their characters. It was fun to see the otherwise unfeeling (or not so unfeeling, I shall say) android show a bit of humanity. Quite a cutie, quite a cutie with a heterochromatic beauty to look upon and fawn on. And because it was so funky, I've made a rhyme with it.

    What fell flat though was the pacing. For the most part it's fast, which is fine, it's typical of this type of story. But at the same time, some moments lingered for far too long. The dialogue between them was good, but it not being interspaced with any narration of any kind made it feel rather aimless, save for the character development. As for the breaks, they do little to actually 'break' the scene. Since the first thing we get is always a short 'they did this' and afterwards we dive right into the episode. It's quick, then slow, or quick again depending on the level of action. There is little to no slope, nor denouement, it's just a bouncing needle and it's a bit painful at times.

    Lastly, we run into the subject of style and whilst it has its own charm in its brevity, there are certain instances where it falls flat. For example, many expositional consequents that make the narrator much too 'nosey' for their purpose. We don't need to know that 'X happened, so Y also happened'. It's the reader's job to deduce that, not to be told that. And the same can apply to certain comments that explain an attitude or an understanding that really doesn't add anything. The fact that someone is conscious of something shouldn't be noted, unless it actually matters. There is just too much fodder at times, it breaks off the flow of an otherwise rapid river...

    I think that should be it.

    Bubbles, out.

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    1
    Realm Assassin
    REALM ASSASSIN
    Chapter:2




    Jul 25, 2021

    Hiho.

    I'm going to preface this commentary with the following disclaimer: I am not a fan of the style. As such, my enjoyment is rather sucked out with every sentence I'm being presented with. Keeping myself is in hard, but I hope that this doesn't make my opinions any less valid.

    To begin, I feel like this chapter contains a lot of words for actions that, when boiled down to bare essentials, don't really amount to much. It's a lot of pointless opinions, rehashes and the descriptions are simple, yet verbose at the same time. A bit of condensation could lend a generous hand.

    A strong suit of this is the interesting attempt at comedy. Whilst to me everything falls flat, I can see how the absurdist bits, namely someone inadvertently drawing a summoning magic circle on a board that actually works, the Chinese 'racism' and the prank motivation, could create belly-laughs by the dozen. What I'm not very keen on is the tone of the narration doesn't really serve the comedy well. It's lacking a certain build-up near the humour, so it makes it fall a bit flat. It'd be worth it to either keep it a bit more consistently funny (sprinkle more jokes, more comedic descriptions and/or more satire) or just setup the jokes a bit better. That's how you can ensure the punchline is streamlined or more unexpected :3

    Lastly, the main character, ermm...She's interesting, but suffers from the same disease that plagues most of the characters in light novels. I can't really get behind her motivation, her thought process or her actions. They just feel like plot convenience incarnate. And her inner voice is rather stale, it feels very impersonal, with a very small amount of emotion actually expressed. For the most part, she is just going through the motions with minimum opinions... I like the part about her childhood, hopefully that factors into some form of anxiety and isn't listed just like an off-handed attempt at reasoning her behaviour...

    I think that's pretty much all I can say.

    Bubbles, out :3

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    0
    Serving the Dark Lord? I Didn’t Sign up for This!
    Chapter:1

    Jul 25, 2021

    Hiho!

    So, first off, I would like to ask if the scene of the infected piling on top of one another is in any way inspired by World War Z (or The Walking Dead, I don't remember whichever did it first :3) That's all. Onto the feedback!

    The style you're using is extremely adept at describing the action scenes. It's gripping, the very short-stroked motions reading precisely like a comic book, still-frames meant to still fluently advance the action. It's very entertaining, easy on the mind and provides the much complementary tension to an already tense scenario.

    Bear in mind, however, that this style doesn't work equally well in other parts. The two halves, the two's dialogue and the action sequence, feature more or less the same type of sentences, the same language and the same focus. And as such, the character building suffers. It reads in a very drumming tone, every bit of information added being beautiful, yet a mechanical beauty. Whether by design or by accident, the impression created isn't a pleasant one for me.

    I absolutely love the interactions between Celeste and Gabriel, the chemistry you've created between them is palpable and easily the most important and interesting hook to your story :3 I'm particularly enamoured with the way they interact through non-verbal cues, how each of them, hollow in their own right, is brought a bit of shine by the other. As for the fanservice, I'll keep quiet. You do you, sweetie :3 (~~But gimme some of those Gabriel abs~~)

    As for the pacing, it was masterful, save for two major hiccups. Namely, the two transitions: between peace and violence and between Gabriel's helplessness and Celeste's appearance. They are sudden. And whilst perhaps it's an intended effect, the escape from both of these episodes feels less impactful without something to either clue us in of something impending or a rug to pull from under me.

    Anyhow, splendid effort :3 Keep at it, friend.

    Bubbles, out :3

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    1
    By the Shores of Time
    By the Shores of Time
    Chapter:3