Steward McOy / Comments

Steward McOy

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Hobbyist writer, attempting to improve. Criticism welcome.

registered at: Jun 26, 2021

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Dec 22, 2023

To:yitsuin

Thank you so much for reading to the end, and thank you for all the comments along the way. I'm definitely going to go back and re-read the later chapters with what you said about the dialogue/exposition chunks. I've been trying to do fewer dialogue and action tags in an attempt to imitate Japanese light novels, but maybe that's a mistake. Or maybe I just don't have it down.

You're definitely also right that there needed to be more of a visible shift for Thelian. I definitely ran out of time while writing. Even though I "finished" well before the deadline, I realized the pace I was going at was too slow, so I cut a bunch of stuff and rushed to the end, just to ensure I had a finished entry. I hoped that, if I got enough time, I'd be able to come back and expand the second half, rewriting a bunch of chapters, but my summer only got busier from that point forward.

Enchanted by a Witch From a Realm Called Earth

Chapter:19

Dec 19, 2023

I can totally see how this would have originally been a gritty revenge chapter if the last chapter had gone as you originally planned.

Ultimately, I think you're right that it's not genre-appropriate. Or, at least, it would upset a lot of genre fans. But personally, I don't dislike those kinds of tragic, slowly chipped away in the face of overwhelming odds endings.

Loving the change Tsubaki made to her appearance, BTW. And I also think it's great when an author really nerds out when writing their story, trying to be as accurate as possible. I don't think I even needed the notes at the end. It showed in the chapter.

In Search of An Oasis

Chapter:34

Dec 17, 2023

To:yitsuin

There's definitely a culture clash at work here. In Thelian's mind, a marriage is more a financial transaction. If Chika had any parents, he'd doubtlessly have asked them instead. Courting only comes after the deal is made. That's why, to him, it *is* the way things work.

Enchanted by a Witch From a Realm Called Earth

Chapter:11

Dec 15, 2023

Oof. What a brutal chapter. Imagining how Kasumi would have felt to find the poem afterwards is a real gut clencher.

Gotta be a really twisted mind to poison bullets. They're often lethal enough without.

In Search of An Oasis

Chapter:33

Dec 13, 2023

(I somehow forgot to hit the "Post" button on this one. I was closing old tabs and found this sitting here.)

Great outfits. I think Hikari's is my favorite on its own, but Renka and Kasumi doing the Mariamite tie straightening thing in suits is peak yuri, IMO, even if Hikari and Tsubaki decided to outdo them later in the chapter.

Gotta wonder what the baddies were up to here though. Kidnapping? Otherwise, why not just hit the mansion with a rocket?

In Search of An Oasis

Chapter:32

Dec 11, 2023

To:Pope Evaristus

Completely understandable. I'm feeling the JNC deadline too, and I'm just revising something I already wrote. Best of luck!

Just East of Eden

Chapter:24

Dec 09, 2023

I often struggle with how subtle or explicit to be with social messaging in my own writing. Subtlety risks the message going over some people’s heads, but being explicit means they’re not allowed to out two and two together for themselves, lessening the impact of the revelation.

No one could accuse this story of being too subtle, but I think that’s to its strength. People can be thick when it comes to slavery, politics, and US history. Better to spell it out, especially since so few are aware of the 13th amendment loophole.

His Soul is Marching On to Another World; or, the John Brown Isekai

Chapter:30

Dec 08, 2023

I’m gonna take a guess that Dong is a parody of a cultivation MC. I have never read a cultivation story. It just doesn’t seem like my jam, but I’m going based on what I’ve heard about them.

His Soul is Marching On to Another World; or, the John Brown Isekai

Chapter:24

Dec 07, 2023

To:スイレン94

Take your time. Don’t sacrifice any more sleep to get the next chapter ready.

In Search of An Oasis

Chapter:31

Dec 06, 2023

I’ve been reading this without commenting, but I appreciate how clever this is. The lost cause line some chapters back was particularly clever, but the notion of counts just being smaller, more compact dukes got a bug chuckle out of me.

His Soul is Marching On to Another World; or, the John Brown Isekai

Chapter:21

Dec 06, 2023

That was a very sweet ending. Happy for a bit of progress for those two. I gotta admit though, I had nearly forgotten about Haruka. I didn't make the connection at all that Hikari was calling in that favor.

But I'm definitely excited for the party outfits.

In Search of An Oasis

Chapter:31

Dec 04, 2023

The drone that watches over everything but has no weapons of its own is named Sayaka. Well played. That one hit me in the feels.

On the other hand, was this chapter inspired by playing Untitled Goose Game with a friend in two player mode? It certainly wasn’t what I was expecting from this story, but it was funny.

In Search of An Oasis

Chapter:30

Dec 03, 2023

(You’ve got a small typo: “toc introduce”.)

In Search of An Oasis

Chapter:29

Nov 30, 2023

Yeah, you got it. Superstition. Even Thelian suspects that she might not be a human, but some supernatural servant of one of the other gods. Gwendar thinks she's undead or something equally unholy. Since the fruit is associated with the goddess of life, he thought it would be incompatible with her.

Enchanted by a Witch From a Realm Called Earth

Chapter:8

Nov 30, 2023

To:yitsuin

At first she was sleeping on the ground. After that, straw. She couldn’t fit a bed in her small hut, but she eventually tried to make a futon. It kept going flat and wasn’t very comfortable.

Enchanted by a Witch From a Realm Called Earth

Chapter:7

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