Jun 15, 2024
I enjoyed reading this one. I definitely feel like you've improved your prose. The word choice, the grammar, and the flow are all good. I don't think I really had any issues reading it.
Using the diary as a framing device I think might be holding you back more than helping, but it's hard for me to say that with much confidence. It definitely sticks out among the workshop entries, at least. At the same time, in the middle of the story, it reads a lot more like a *story*, not a diary, and I think it works better for it.
As far as the workshop goes, I think you could have benefited more from showing, not telling more of Japan. Yes, this is a character-based story, and the word count is low, but there really wasn't any reason besides the cherry blossoms that this needed to take place in Japan. And the cherry blossoms weren't that central to the story. This could have taken place, potentially, in any country far from home.
