Jun 11, 2023
Figured it'd be easier to put all my comments here, as they really all lead into each other.
My issues with Keith aside for now. The prose here just feels so stiff that it's hard to get in a flow, even with trying to vibe with everything here. Everything feels so formal and matter of fact, there's no real room for creativity or embellishment. I feel like I'm reading a textbook more than a light novel.
For Keith, I just don't get much from him. He feels like that fourteen year old kid who would fall asleep in the back of class to naruto clips. That whole mental breakdown thing at the end of this chapter just didnt work for me to be honest. Think the best I could say here is to read a ton and look at what other people do that works.
The dialogue also just... doesn't sit right with me. Its all so formal and I'd really try to take some inspiration from some natural conversations.
Honestly, basketball part is fine so far. Not gonna say its mind shattering or anything, but while the action could use some work theres not much that really stood out of me with the basketballness itself. Though, usually in these situations the schools would recruit players unlike Keith unless hes like, really bad for a six foot eight dude - especially some smaller American collage teams. I feel theres a lot you could do with that version of the underdog path, even with the path your treding with him.
Lastly, I'd just warn you to make sure Keith doesn't fall into too many stereotypes without having a solid plan to pull him out of said stereotypes thematically.
Also very minor thing, but if this is the first person why do italics for inner thoughts? Like its stylistic and doesn't really hurt it perse, but legit had to double check this wasn't 3rd person with that.
