Aug 19, 2023
I'll second the long paragraph thing. You gotta try to space out the writing a bit more.
Apart from that, I feel like the story is happening too fast.
I can't say I know much about these characters at all, but they seem to already be heading for a big change in their life, even though we haven't really seen, as the audience, what exactly they're trying to run away from. Including a better view to their everyday life and why the MC is looking for that kind of change would've made the story work better. As it is, we are being told how he feels without really seeing that being the case.
Anyway, the prose and the dialogue feels pretty stiff. I recommend to try to make the dialogue feel more natural compared to how it is now. And for the prose, try adding more detail, and introspection, especially for the characters. But do try to make the sentences flow better too.
But yeah, keep trying to to write stuff, I'll try to check it out when I can! Also, if you don't want me to go into the kind of detail I did this time around, just let me know.