Dec 04, 2024
Howdy, I’m here to give you some feedback.
Your greatest strength is your atmosphere. You create a very intense scene off the bat and follow it through with solid action. Be careful about repeating the same moves, as with attacking the throat twice or blocking the fire twice. Other than that, though, very good work.
Personally, I think your grammar could use some work. Your sentences run on for days—sometimes, I think you need to just cut off a sentence and break it into more than one. It’ll improve the flow and keep the action flowing, counterintuitively.
I also noticed your chapter reads like an anime episode. With the short intro, title card, and character introductions done through blocks of text, I can see what you’re going for—unfortunately, I don’t think it’s fit for the novel format. That’s a matter of opinion, though.
Last note: your dialogue was very choppy. Both characters acted similarly, except for Karasu’s occasional violent outbursts and Alex’s random shouting (which didn’t sit with me right). Try to think about their backgrounds, and how they’ve made them the people they are—and how to apply their personalities to the way they would carry conversation.
That’s all. Toodles.
