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Ataga Corliss

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yes, I did change my pen name.

registered at: Jul 13, 2021

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aaa

Aug 09, 2021

Nice to see more of Mari—and immediately sympathize with her pouting. Love sucks sometimes.

I'm curious about this title Kohei gave her—Setagawa Ward Champion? Elite Four? A little detail on that could illuminate how Kohei & Mari got along before she confessed. Or perhaps this is one of those backstory elements that is best mentioned occasionally, but never explained so the reader's imagination speculates wild stuff.

Why I Write

Chapter:10

Aug 08, 2021

Krystal's a pretty charming character. But I get where Lawrence is coming from—as a reader, I'm out of headlock range (unless she somehow discovers the 4th wall, then I might be in trouble)

I Was Tasked With Defeating The Demon Lord, But For Some Reason, She Is Now My Girlfriend!?

Chapter:2

Aug 08, 2021

Oh neat. There is an isekai protagonist present, but they're a mentor/father figure for the actual main character. Magnus's genius really highlights Lawrence's more bumbling nature. Builds nicely off the prologue, knowing that he considers himself kinda useless as a mage.

I'll definitely keep reading this one.

As it happens, the story I'm writing also has a local character as the protagonist rather than the person who got isekai'd. We each took a pretty different angle, but it still feels rare and noteworthy that an isekai story focuses on someone native to the new world. Coincidence? Great minds thinking alike?

I Was Tasked With Defeating The Demon Lord, But For Some Reason, She Is Now My Girlfriend!?

Chapter:1

Aug 07, 2021

To:Supersession

Yes, I am interested in the system. Seems relevant, like it's something we're sliding towards everywhere—it just might not be so institutionalized in some places as others.

How much it holds my interest will likely depend on how some of the categories listed right at the end are handled by the system. Specifically those computers have a hard time measuring. Like the "Mental" & "Creative" categories. Should be relevant to your writerly characters, but how does the system crunch novel drafts into comparable data? Are types of art weighted by how effort-intensive each piece is, or will someone discover they can game the system by spamming garbage not even they care about (to their own eventual despair, perhaps)? In short, I'm most intrigued in seeing where the 'objective' system breaks down and shows its unintended unfairness.

I wouldn't call it generic. Such surveillance systems are so new—straight outta sci-fi new—I doubt anyone will know what the generic iteration will look like for a while.

Why I Write

Chapter:9

Aug 07, 2021

As ways to move between worlds go, you really can't go wrong with a flying train. It's classic, and provides an opportunity to meet a fellow traveler before arrival. Not that I really expect the girl with the silver hair would want to chat, she seems a bit stuck up (but that could be her frustration with Earth talking).

Train in the Clouds

Chapter:2

Aug 07, 2021

To:Supersession

This does feel like a hard turn, but I don't think genre's implications need to be limiting. Readers will happily latch onto any off-genre hints the story gives them. If there's a spot for it, I'd suggest inserting a few lines of banter where someone brings up rumors of some other school going overboard in pursuit of excellence, but no one can substantiate it, so the conversation moves on. When the reader gets here, there's a good chance that hint won't be at the front of their mind, but may be remembered and feel more like an eventuality (also shows Kitazawa trying to upstage another school by going even harder).

Don't sweat it too much though. Stories do this (mine is about to do the same thing, unless I suddenly become very clever in the next chapter or three). At least you had an outline, some of us weren't so lucky (read: wise). Even if the outline goes in the trash bin, the thought that went into it will be helpful somewhere.

Why I Write

Chapter:9

Aug 06, 2021

Interesting. Most of the frame stories I see are distinctly separated from the framed story, but here I get the impression that Heiji is beginning to tell the story of his trouble with the king while said trouble remains unresolved. The framed story might well catch up with and merge with its frame.

That need not happen quickly, of course, but it's an interesting possibility that removes some of the feeling of distance-from-action that a frame story usually brings.

Train in the Clouds

Chapter:1

Aug 06, 2021

To:Ash's #1 reposter

To clarify, I meant that in a positive sense. Yulan's an engaging character *because* of his issues. I'm sure seeing more of him as I work through the following chapters will lead to a better understanding of who he is emotionally. But for the story's opening, when he is new to me and all the readers, Yulan's quirks make a good character-hook. He's entertaining, and maybe a little fascinating.

52 Hertz

Chapter:1

Aug 05, 2021

To:Supersession

Kasumi would be glad, but perhaps I should describe her a little more often so the reader doesn't forget her predicament? Something to consider when I edit.

Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, and particularly glad regarding the romance bits. Previous chapter aside, I haven't written anything romantic before. Nice to hear that I'm off to a decent start.

And yes, that chat where Kasumi tries to tell Mylo he's a video game character is going to happen, I'm just not sure when it's going to land—other stuff keeps needing to happen first.

Mylo and the Summoned Hero

Chapter:9

Aug 05, 2021

Given Netty's comment about the Master just making a new doll when the old one failed him, I gather there are a few more then just Netty and Dolly running around. Do they make a habit of adopting guys? Do they have family reunions? I must know.

REALM ASSASSIN

Chapter:3

Aug 05, 2021

Yulan's quite the cut-up. From this chapter and the prologue, I think I can make a reasonably safe guess he chose Miyazaki High because he likes the uniforms.

52 Hertz

Chapter:1

Aug 04, 2021

To:Supersession

I like fourth-wall breaking quite a lot, but I will say the arrival of it in the story was abrupt. Previous chapters don't contain any, I think, so I wasn't expecting both Kohei and Yukimura to suddenly go so hard.

I'm sure there's an in-character, in-universe explanation. At first I thought that was going to be hard, because this chapter continues last chapter's scene. But Yukimura starts it, so this could be an example of Kohei trying to learn from her by following her lead.

(To think, I was initially thinking the sunset had somehow set the two of them off, like there was something wrong with the sky. I need more sleep)

Why I Write

Chapter:8

Aug 04, 2021

Yukimura was right, it did turn from slice of life to murder mystery: the mystery of who murdered the fourth-wall harder.

This was fun, but oh I wish you luck staying within the PG-13 realm after adding this much spice. I'm sure you can do it, but I know from cooking just how easy it is to add too much pepper, from kayaking how easy to cross the eddy fence, from uh...I was going to do the rule of threes thing myself, but can't come up with a third metaphor right now.

Why I Write

Chapter:8

Aug 04, 2021

To:Supersession

Your surprise is more than fair. I have a bad habit of describing a character just once, and with only enough detail for the reader's mind to build something off of. That on its own might have been okay, but Mylo's description came in chapter 1, where he was assessing himself negatively against Pelgram's appearance. Another thing for the editing list (I don't know whether he should be hot but not think himself so, or have him be more on the cute-side and Ezre's type—suggestions would be appreciated).

And I'm glad you liked this chapter! (I had no idea it existed until I started typing it—not part of the original plan, but I'll try to continue its thread)

Mylo and the Summoned Hero

Chapter:8

Aug 03, 2021

This chapter's observing made for a nice breather after the heavy material the previous arc went into. I don't mind going down to Kazuta's despairing depths again, but metaphorically coming up for air like this between arcs is nice for pacing.

Backward Steps

Chapter:7

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