Aug 01, 2021
Okay, there were some things I noted.
Looking at the core of the story, I can definitely see where you're going with it, which is good. You've managed to properly convey what you're trying to.
First, let's take a look at the dialogue. I've noted this a few times, but here I think is a good example of what I mean. In the first exchange with Charlotte, you can use dialogue tags like so:
"What do you want from me?" She asked, raising an eyebrow suspiciously.
"Doctor Astufus is in trouble, and you're the only one who can save him!" I exclaimed.
"I have not talked to him in years," she said, wincing, her face hardening before my eyes. "What could he possibly need help with?"
See, by using descriptors like that, you can tell more of the story and the characters than with just dialogue. We get a feel for who Charlotte is, and hint at the difficulty in her feelings for Astufus. You do this a little on your own in places, but I think it would really help to see what parts of your dialogue can be used to characterize your characters, so they don't just feel like they're reading words on the page.
Another thing to note, is that you switch the POV a little when Charlotte is reminiscing. The story is told from her 3rd-person limited POV in several places, rather than as a story she's reporting to the narrator, Cecilia. It was rather jarring to me, going over that scene again and making sure that everything we're learning about the past is told directly to us in dialogue from Charlotte (or inferred from Cecilia) will make us feel a stronger connection.
Finally, I was a little shaken by how casually Astufus's death was handled. I'd think that would be something that would bother Cecilia or Anselm, but they both seem to take it in stride. That may be the intended purpose of the scene (I'm not quite sure) but when I read it my first response was shock at how matter-of-factly Cecilia reported it, like she didn't have any emotional connection to it. It felt off.
Those were the only issues I had. Like I said, I could really get a feel for what the story was going for (minus the ending with the death, little lost there) and I liked it enough, so it's not bad. But with stuff like I mentioned I think it will really help it feel like a more polished work. Sorry if this sounds too mean.
