Jul 02, 2025
hi so i just stumbled upon this and decided to give it a read
idk how to feel really but i will say that, while there should supposedly be large emotional stakes here, it reads like there isnt. in my opinion, this is mostly because of how you write each character's perspective. it honestly feels like there's a lack of individuality. yes, i know one of them is an arrogant insufferable maniac and the other is a timid yandere, but you dont SHOW that. this story could very well have been written in third person and not many things would've changed. both of the characters' perspectives have the same dry deadpan retelling like theyre saying this 20 years later as numb recluse drunkards and, while others seem to be praising you for it, i honestly think it doesnt work well for a story like this, especially with you doing it for both perspectives.
also, another thing about a lack of individuality: it could be just me, but these characters dont actually FEEL like characters. half of the inner thoughts of dahlia is "eli eli eli i love him so much" and eli does the same thing and then when theres conflict its "ugh why did dahlia do that doesnt she know how much i love her"
this honestly sorta ruins the immersion and just makes me feel like a bystander watching a random couple argue. i get that its sorta supposed to be sad but im just... there. honestly tho this type of story isnt really my cup of tea anyway and the conflict itself seemed pretty inane but these are just my thoughts
