IceDonut / Comments

IceDonut

25 | him/his | European

Writing since 2016 to find the fine line between the bittersweet beauty of sorrow and the feeling of deep human connection, creating worlds that provide shelter from reality, but also embrace its way of being.
I occasionally write comments/critiques that could be short stories on their own, so sorry for all the flooded comment sections 😅
Read into my current novel "Celluloid", if you are interested!

registered at: Sep 08, 2021

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aaa

Aug 19, 2023

So things start getting mysterious there. There are only 6 people living in Nexus? And all the Lieutenants disappeared ... or at least did not send any reports? 🤔
AND the Red Barbarian here made her first appearance. So she actually attacks vital infrastructure. That somehow defies my theory of her having good intentions, I guess ... I mean there could still be ways to make it work, but well ... guess I have to see. Nonetheless, it remains mysterious 🧐

I also slowly start thinking about when there might be some more dialog. Harmon's monologues feel a little bit out of place and rather exposition-ey (I rarely talk to myself, saying my thought and motivations out loud). A lot of the other exposition is also mainly told and only accentuated through actions. It's always Harmon did this, Harmon made that. Show don't tell!
For example, you don't need to tell me "Harmon's excitement dropped". Show me how his brows furrow, how his breath halted, how he has to gulp to take in the information. How does it affect him emotionally? I think I rarely read how the events of the story affected him ... even though this is generally considered a much more relatable and less on-the-nose way to bring exposition across.
I admit, that this might be a little bit amplified by the fact that there is no real dialogue to balance it out and we are currently covering a lot of ground, since we quickly skip across several days. But nonetheless, I think there is still some potential for improvement at that! 😶‍🌫️

Our Struggle between Light and Darkness

Chapter:3

Aug 19, 2023

I feel really much, like this world and it's mechanics are a big allegory of some sort. Like a state of dream or coma Harmon is currently in. He even seems to forget the faces of his Lieutenants. Maybe this world portrays a state of depression or social anxiety?
This would also explain how the wholesome romance ties into this. I mean as for now, we didn't meet other contenders for the position of love interest, than the Red Barbarian. Maybe she tried to fight her way through all the defenses in an attempt to rescue Harmon and wake him up from the state he is currently in. I mean "Nexus" is latin for link or connection. Maybe this is just a kind of world in between. Maybe Harmon almost died and now fights against death, like in "Angel Beats" ... but darker ... 🤔
But on the other hand, would this be an Isekai, if the other world just existed in his imagination? 🤔 Hmmm ... I think I need more information to back this theory up 😅

Our Struggle between Light and Darkness

Chapter:2

Aug 19, 2023

Somehow, this whole world feels very isolated. Maybe it's through all the darkness, maybe because there is no real dialog and no real people apart from Harmon himself and his Lieutenant(s) (who don't appear personally). I'm not entirely sure, if this is intended, though ... 🤔 If it is in fact intended, then I think you should definitely hang a few lampshades here and there.
Well-Written Dialogue can be used as a great way to loosen up the regular paragraphs and provide background information in a subtle and non-intrusive way. There have to be very strong reasons to omit it for so long and since readers are thrown into a world they don't know, you should lampshade that you're aware of this inconsistencies and they have to bear with you.

But apart from this, I think your idea is very unique: A world, where energy is the "currency" and light a sparse good, the main city is threatened by unknown attackers from the darkness ... 🫣 Feels almost a little bit like a Tower Defense Video game but with light 😊

Our Struggle between Light and Darkness

Chapter:1

Aug 19, 2023

I wonder what the poem at the beginning wants to tell us 🤔
This really feels more like a dark fever dream than a high fantasy Isekai world, so I'm really curious what happend there and what exactly Harmon is fighting against. But since this here is just a prologue, I think it's a good thing to open up more questions than to answer them 🙂
Also, I think this Red Barbarian girl has something special about her. Will she be the love interest for this story? I mean the girl on the cover does have somewhat red hair as well 🤔
Definitely a very unconventional entry, but also a mysterious one. I'm curious about what this world even is 😶‍🌫️

Our Struggle between Light and Darkness

Chapter:0

Aug 19, 2023

I do have issues with finding the fine line between what you called commercial and thought-provoking here as well! It's always a bit stressful to never know if you hit it until you receive feedback from the readers. I'm glad this conflict shined through distinctly enough for you to recognize this! 😊

For now, we had enough cuteness! Let's add a slight bitterness to the taste 🤭 Otherwise, I think the taste would get dull too fast 😜

6h at the beginning and end of every weekend? Man ... you from Australia? 😂 (Whereas ... I think in Australia 6h is the average time to the next grocery store 🤔😅)

They are still there for one another and are ready to walk through this trials together ... because that's what a couple gotta do 😊