Feb 01, 2025
ok so
First thing's first, I really liked the characters. One problem I had with many entries I enjoyed was how flat, plot device-y or kinda just there the characters were, but for the most part you managed to write about people that legitimately feel as though they have a part in the story. Even with minimal screentime like Laos they'd often feel distinctive enough for me to remember all of them even with how chonky the cast got near the end. I'd say maaybe Inai was aight and maybe the knights Aelia fought with, but it's not like they were fundamental to the plot if you get me. Ataoro of all people ended up being my favorite character, and then Fennel and his based mom. In general I really liked how everyone stuck close to their convictions, yet managed to compromise at the end. It's one of those stories where I feel like a villain would've ruined the point of the story (or at least my reading of it idk).
Something else I found really interesting was Aelia and empathy. It's not often that I see main characters that outright say 'I don't care for these randos why tf am I sacrificing my happiness for them'. It's usually coded as a villain thing, so to say. That's why I thought Ataoro and Elia's perspectives and actions had a solid foundation and I honestly kind of agreed with them. I also really REALLY liked that Aelia's arc wasn't 'how to empathy' but rather how to express her OWN form of it. Again, that's not something i see often, and it ties really well with everyone else's actions. Themes are cohesive, genuinely thought provoking and consistent throughout, which is impressive for a newbie writer. Usually that's the thing I see people struggle with the most as well as characters (though then again these are my favorite things in stories so I might just pay more attention than other elements) outside of obvious technical issues.
Speaking of which... yeah, time for some criticism. I told you my feelings about the complete disregard of show not tell before and took your perspective into consideration, but it still bothered me to the end. If you didn't constantly explain what everyone is feeling and thinking, then this would unironically be one of my top 3 this competition. Even with how much I enjoyed the aspects I mentioned above the hand holding all but ruined the story for me. Several entries were tell-y but this one was by far the worst in that aspect. I get it's your first finished novel so obviously it won't be perfect, but I really suggest you consider toning this down. I've legit read books for first graders with more nuance and subtext. With that said, I guess the characterization benefited from this? Kind of? Not for me though.
I also feel like the story does have a 'point' and a clear beginning, middle and end, but the way events happen is told very matter of factly so there's basically 0 tension. It's weird because characters feel passive even though they're objectively pushing the story forward. I think it's, again, because of how tell-y the narration is. It almost reads like a news report sometimes, or an article. Again, with you being a newbie writer I'm not expecting amazing prose, but it made action scenes a slog and the climax was so watered down that I felt 0 buildup from beginning to end. I could see where the 'midpoint' was (Aelia's breakdown), what the 'climax was' (them proving she can be a guardian in her own way), what the inciting incident was, etc. but like... so? Even if a story has all the beats in all the right places it won't hold up if it's told passively. It doesn't help that Aelia was basically missing for a third of the story as Fennel and Inai went around solving her issues, with her only taking the mantle near the end for half a scene before Fennel became the main character again. In fact, Aelia kind of felt like a stepping stone for everyone else's arc. It's kind of tragicomedic that someone trying to forge her own path became everyone else's, even the author's. It's especially strange that she as a character is anything BUT passive yet her presence wanes as the story goes on, even if she is the center of it.
On a more meta note, I also fail to see how this is remotely harmonic future. It just feels like tech-y fantasy. I did like the world building and think it carves its own identity in a sea of isekai tolkien ripoff slop, but... it's irrelevant to the prompt? I don't know, hopefully judges think differently. It seems like perspectives on what it is vary a lot among contestants as well, so I wonder how it'd be like on the jury side.
But yeah, very fun themes, concepts and characters, ok execution. I'm assuming it's a first draft, so it can only get better from here. Ultimately you're the one who decides what criticism to take and which you don't want to follow (which is valid, this is art). Again, I do think we're on opposite ends of the show vs. tell spectrum, so there's that. I'd also draw Ataoro because he sounds and acts hot, but I have massive art skill issue so joker lite it is
i inagined you were a newbie author so I refrained from giving the usual end of story criticism, but if you want i can do it taking that into consideratiom