Apr 24, 2024
It may have taken me a while, but I’m finally at the end, and what a read it has been.
First, the things I liked about this:
The worldbuilding felt very solid. Despite the concept not being all that original, it didn’t feel derivative of anything in particular so it still managed to feel fresh and unique in its own right.
The dramatic/emotional moments were done very well, with all of the pretty much delivering the exact sort of punch they’re supposed to. I didn’t comment on it at the time, but the reveal of Shiera’s father being a werewolf and the ensuing panic attack and fight with Aubrey was great, it got me more invested than any other scene in the story.
The narrative in general is good. The mysteries surrounding the multi-thousand year history of Sakira and the Queen was executed well, and the steadily progressing relationship between Shiera and Sakira was interesting too. There was a lot that kept me wondering, and a lot that kept me invested.
Nor, for the parts I was less of a fan of.
I know I’ve said this before, and I know you said it’s one of the things you’re looking to fix, but I think the story’s biggest problem by far is Shiera. She’s often unlikeable, she’s very entitled, and she often makes incredibly poor decisions then whines when they inevitably come back to bite her in the ass. She ends up not being a protagonist that I want to root for, I often find that her attitude ruins scenes that would otherwise be good. There definitely was some character growth, especially during and after the Kori rescue chapter, but it felt too little too late. By that point Shiera had already made herself seem too insufferable for me to like her all that much.
I also think there was an issue with pacing, specifically in the ending here. Despite Sydney foreshadowing it, the attack on the school felt jammed in at the end, like it was supposed to be the plot of a second volume but was rushed on to the end of this one instead. The attack itself was well written, but it rang a little hollow because it was stuffed in right after the main objective of the story (getting Kori back and ending the war) was already finished. There was build up, climax, a tiny bit of denouement and then immediately back into another climax.
And, most unforgivably of all: the character whose name literally means “red” in Japanese has a green aesthetic. Literally unreadable.
Overall, I’d give this a solid 6 or 7 out of 10. It has its fair share of problems, but it also has a lot of high points. Either way, it’s a good basis for the coming rewrite, and I hope my feedback can make the second draft a little easier to write
