Sep 07, 2023
Hey there! I found that writing a really critical review just wasn’t in my nature, and I couldn’t find a good way to word my thoughts. I think in the future I won’t do reviews like this, because they don’t come naturally to me, and it causes me stress to review a creation of someone I've gotten to know – because I don’t want to accidentally offend anyone, and I fear how my views will be taken. I personally prefer to encourage authors rather than review their work x) so I decided to stick to bullet points to help summarize.
What I liked about your story:
* The beginning dates were really cute, and I loved watching Takuro and Akimi fall for each other. I’m glad Takuro didn’t just go for his original crush on Rakuro, but rather fell in love with someone who resonated with his spirit! (Also RakuRiri is adorable.)
* The positive message about not giving up on your creativity is really important, and I hope will continue into both Akimi’s and Takuro’s future!!
* The fact that both Akimi and Takuro have supportive families. Yes, sometimes, they don’t 100% understand each other…but overall, Takuro’s mother and brother both encourage him, and Akimi’s parents are willing to listen to her in the final chapter, and offer her alternative future paths. This is beautiful to see, and I am always in support of healthy family representations! <33
* Seeing darkroom production and the realism you included with that, was fantastic. I feel like “realism” was a very strong point you tried to achieve with this story, and with every aspect I did feel like Takuro and Akimi’s tale could be found somewhere in this world, for real! (F’sure! xD)
* This story was short, sweet, and to the point. The characters confessed half way through the narrative, and we were able to see some of their dating after that. I have no doubt in my mind that Takuro and Akimi will continue to date even after the “end credits” are over!
What I’d like to see improved:
* Overall, this story felt Seinen in genre. I forgot a few times that the characters were supposed to be in High School. With how mature they were (and how their relationship progressed) Takuro and Akimi both felt University-age to me. With a few tweaks, I think you actually *could* set this at University with older characters, and I feel like it would be a stronger piece overall! The ending would have to change slightly, but I think it’s doable! (The ending would be less about choosing a University – but rather about choosing whether Akimi wants to work for (and inherit) YuKa, or if she wants to pursue her photography as a profession.)
* There were a lot of character names, nicknames, and location names. Some of them were very similar in sounds (Akimi, Ashiya, Asahiro, Aya – Nera, Nakazuka, Nagashiki, Noburo) I had to often look at previous chapters to figure out who was who! A few more reminders about who the characters were, or maybe a few less names, might have made this easier to read.
* Although I was very excited to see the Osaka accent included, it made all the characters sound “same-y” and made it hard for me to differentiate unique character voices. If you took away character names, I could not tell the dialogue apart – except for maybe Akimi. I’d love to see more characterization in the dialogue itself.
And one other question I had (just for you personally) was if there a reason why you decided against using story break symbols? (Example: Using *** or ~~~ between scene changes.) There were quite a few jumps mid-chapter that made me a bit confused, and I think could have been cleared up by using a story break symbol 🤔
For example here in this final chapter:
“I think I’ve grown a little bit too comfortable with this idea…” Akimi’s gaze shot back at Takuro.
He dropped down backwards on the double bed.
The first sentence is at school, while the second sentence is half a year later at their apartment.
I see what you were trying to do with a smooth transition, and I can see it making a lot of sense as a visual cut – it would work with a Camera in a TV Show! But as written word in a novel, it is confusing.
Something like:
“I think I’ve grown a little bit too comfortable with this idea…” Akimi’s gaze shot back at Takuro.
~~~
Takuro dropped down backwards on the double bed.
Would have helped me make that transition as a reader, without feeling confused!
Either way, those are just a few technical points I think you could definitely fix with editing if you desired!! 
It is still a big accomplishment to write a novel like this in just 2 months! (I forget sometimes you didn't start until July!)
I will openly admit that this story is not the genre or type of novel I would usually read. I feel a bit guilty in that, because I fear my judgements might be biased by my personal preferences. So that is why I have gone with a more summarized review!! I hope this gives you some points of consideration x) and as for your odds on making the HF Shortlist...this story certainly fits the Romance and Chance Encounter themes! But I worry that the more serious/realistic tone with a seinen vibe might make this have a niche audience, with less wide-spread appeal. That is the risk of making a message-driven "thought-provoking" piece, which I think you are aware. Still! I am hoping for the best, and thank you for sharing this with us. I truly believe that every story is like a personal diary, and it takes great courage to post that online. So thank you!! 👏👏👏 And congrats again!
