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Hello! I'm Himitsu... a Himitsu? Just call me Himicchi! I've written a few fantasy stories. My best one is "The Princess of the Dragon's Tummy," a political satire set within a dragon's stomach.
himitsunohanadesu@gmail.com
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Mar 10, 2025
This is a really interesting beginning. Your form is some of the best I've seen browsing this site. "Luca hesitated for a second, then briefly averted his gaze," is a strong line. It does a lot to lead into the dialogue afterward, and show that there's more to him just reading her research. I get the sense from this opener that her research is more than just some here-or-there study.
Janice is an interesting antagonist. She helps to establish a status quo where Ariel is really struggling. I loved Ariel's fear of not being believed, it's a bit sad, but also understandable. It was a highlight in the chapter for me!
The style with very short paragraphs isn't something I've seen done very often before. It's interesting, and I had fun reading it. It almost feels dreamlike in the way the narrator describes going from place to place.
The pacing in this first chapter is very interesting. I'm excited to see more. The names Joker and Jester, both from cards, caught my eye. It was funny how he deduced that his own thought process would have been to just shorten the name Jester to Jess. Both have fun characterization, and I'm excited to see, going forward, the idea behind Joker's possible insomnia. Jester's borderline (actual) insanity caught me off guard a little bit, but I'm still excited to see what developments it leads to.
