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Bubbles

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I'm Bubbles.

Currently on hiatus.

registered at: Aug 13, 2020

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aaa

Apr 12, 2025

Why does Ministra speak like she's talking about a video game coming to the end of service

Nearest Place to Eternity

Chapter:2

Apr 12, 2025

It's okay to have exposition in past tense. At the risk of sounding vain, you have read some of my story; if you need to explain action that happens before the actual story moment, you can use past tense, then resume with present tense once you're done.

The waste where silver gods lie

Chapter:10

Apr 12, 2025

I feel like a lot of your writing relies on these cinematic moments, which is very nice. You have a very good sense of crafting scenic beats, which is why it pains me to say that a lot of them feel very brutalist in their architecture. If you could find a way to polish your descriptions such that the filmic motion sticks the landing, you could really improve the overall quality of your writing.

The waste where silver gods lie

Chapter:9

Apr 12, 2025

One thing to note about present tense is that it comes with certain limitations around how you can phrase things. In particular, passive voice and constructions like 'it starts to...', 'it begins to...' stick out a lot more. They're probably better avoided. Similarly, there are also ways you can skip 'proper' phrasing to make a paragraph flow better.

The waste where silver gods lie

Chapter:8

Apr 12, 2025

4-koma with 4 commas

So what if the world is ending around me? I just want to make coffee. Is that so much to ask?

Chapter:3

Apr 12, 2025

Calling it right now that there will be a mf who comes in to talk about coffee, hachi will hit it off for him, then he will give the equivalent of a nazi take about guava beans, whereupon Hachi will boot him off.

So what if the world is ending around me? I just want to make coffee. Is that so much to ask?

Chapter:2

Apr 12, 2025

bro is the senshi of coffee

So what if the world is ending around me? I just want to make coffee. Is that so much to ask?

Chapter:1

Apr 10, 2025

I really like how the moments of genuine care are interspersed with doomer speak. It makes it feel like worrying about anything is really worrying about nothing. But even in that case, it paints the process of worry as something so human that, even when faced with certain demise, we still seek to do it. Very nice, my little snack. (New Himi pet name)

The Princess of the Dragon’s Tummy

Chapter:3

Apr 10, 2025

Gawsh, Hen is such a pure little momma hen, I love her so much. She reminds me so much of that one maidservant from Disenchantment. Sweet, simple and good-natured to a fault.

I want to squish Fawn until she flails at me to let go.

The Princess of the Dragon’s Tummy

Chapter:2

Apr 10, 2025

Read this. I am Bubbles. I love my little bratty princess because she's the smelliest, fluffiest, tastiest little goober. I mwack her with the folds of my stomach lining.

Small prose note: try not having sentences start the same too many times in a row. You have plenty of paragraphs where there's a lot of 'I did. I did. I did.' in quick succession. Something more varied could help the brattiness stick better :)

The Princess of the Dragon’s Tummy

Chapter:1

Apr 10, 2025

To:Ashley

Ah, okay. I read ahead and fair enough.

Girl and the Rift

Chapter:2

Apr 10, 2025

Is there a narrative reason for someone that's otherwise extremely developmentally stunted to be this introspective? If anything, I feel like someone in this girl's position would be solely reactive and barely self-conscious. She would know that she knows nothing, but she wouldn't have any clue as to why.

For instance, even if she's unsure whether the outside world is real, she seems to be quite certain that the uncertainty stems from her being locked inside the same room all her life. If anything, I feel like she'd be more inclined to marvel at the sudden expanse than start philosophising about epistemology.

Reading below, though, it seems like this thing has a reason; be that as it may, the initial dissonance remains, I fear.

Girl and the Rift

Chapter:2

Apr 10, 2025

I am who I am, but also who everyone thinks I am? Might it be that they are perceiving that which I represent, in turn giving me existence? Or perchance it is simply an observation on their behalf, my being my own to be remarked upon.

Girl and the Rift

Chapter:1

Apr 10, 2025

Feels like there's a lot of filler phrases to tide us over, if I'm being honest. My Romanian teacher had a word for this, 'we do what we do, and then...' If you need some fodder to stretch the moments for pacing's sake, I think some inner monologue may be a better tool to deploy. We get very little of it as is, and what we get tends to be on the inexpressive side.

I wanna be a woman in the first row making out with Jet. He's a guitarist; you *know* he's gonna be good with his fingers.

A Solstice Love Song

Chapter:3

Apr 10, 2025

Not sure if you need to add the 'signed' after every italics dialogue. If it's an established pattern, all that does is create some redundancy that inevitably burdens the flow of conversation.

I also don't think you need to relate the nitty gritty of every 'transitional' event. I get the want to put in some more flavour details like Pete's t-shirt and the band's behaviour; but in that case, I think a summary is the worst you can do. Specific events tend to stick in the mind a lot more. I can appreciate the pacing change that'd require, though, which is why I feel like omitting the bits would be better in favour of what is essentially a half-measure.

That being said, I liked how the chapter ended this time around. A neat, natural cliffhanger with our beloved boy rising to the top of the Italian crop. Mwacks his noggin~

A Solstice Love Song

Chapter:2

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