Jun 10, 2024
Lei.
I can appreciate that this piece has something in it that you appreciate, and tried to replicate. While I cannot quite put my finger on it, there's a strange, almost wistful energy to your prose. It's soft and translucent, like a wisp of fog on a cold, dewy morning. Perhaps that's the reason why this story feels so thin, like a dream – or maybe just a memory. Who knows?
I find this story a little awkward, if I'm honest. There are some paragraphs with dubious flow, and bits of experiments that, whose intent I can gauge, yet whose execution fails to impress me (the one with the many em-dashes coming to mind). But what I do believe this piece lacks the most is, unfortunately, a little bit of everything.
The main character is small and unassuming, follows no goals, changes no facet of their personality, pursues but a buddhist whim and, all in all, seems to carry the reader on a journey that, whilst narrated in first person, feels distant and external. The plot simmers, but never boils and certainly never boils over. Perhaps this is some experimental structure you have tried too – bringing up kishotenketsu feels like a leitmotif; though the East Asian dream record might be more fitting. There is very little for the reader to sink their teeth in, other than the aforementioned prose. Though even then, there's lacunas. At times, the pace of paragraphs is very rapid, and action fails to ground the description. At times, it's the opposite and the wealth of descriptions wash away the action. The first paragraphs of arriving at Sakamoto could be an example of both these points, in order.
There are little tidbits missing, not big chunks by any means, but enough to compound and add to an overall lacking impression. But that doesn't mean this cannot be improved. One suggestion I could make is for a bit more zest of life at the end. I wonder if the reunion couldn't have had more of an emotion to it? The whole piece felt very subdued and withdrawn, so a bit of contrast could help. Another suggestion might be to make some small alterations to the episode with the mute monk on Mt Hiei. It feels like a strange and esoteric experience, yet the way it is written makes it blend in with the rest of the story. I wonder if it wouldn't be a more impactful scene if it were written in a more deer-in-the-headlights, or psychoactive, or fearful, or euphoric way.
That is all I have to say.
As always, ahem, Lei.
Best of luck in the competition~
Bubbles
