Aug 22, 2022
Okay, so 9k in I'm just going to list all my gripes in no apparent order, though I think it's probably biggest to smallest.
To be fair, the prose just doesn't captivate me and I'm certain it's the lack of voice. A lot of the descriptions are very rote and devoid of any feeling and, in general, the imagery is lacking. I think chapter 1 (not the prologue)'s main vibe is 'dust', which I believe is literally the only way you've chosen to suggest the disrepair and ruinous state of the world. A lot of the descriptions are vague and unspecific, leading to the entire theatre feeling barren and unassuming. I understand LNs tend to be economical, but there are plenty of tricks that are word-savvy which can be employed, starting with significant details and ending with snappy metaphors. If that weren't enough, there is a significant lack of reflection and emotion. Throughout the chapters, a lot of the action is shown visually, but it is rarely accompanied by emotional indicators. Those tend to come in very explicit terms (which isn't bad per se), later on in a very clumsy and weirdly worded manner? Furthermore, there's barely any sort of stimuli to go with the emotions inscribed. The way it's woven in feels jarring, as it feels like the narration takes pauses to express anything via some inner monologue or some 'I feel terrified' sprinkled throughout. It's not fluid, is what I'm trying to say. And this saccade, alongside the many other prosaic quirks, leads me to believe that this was written *specially* to become a manga, which hurts it without bringing any benefit. The flash-forward, the thoughts, the technical (and frankly useless descriptors like 'slight left') nature of the writing aren't useful for the transition. Alas, the only thing they do is lend a very amateurish feeling to the whole spiel.
Notwithstanding the voice, another gripe I have is with the character. I couldn't care less that it's this cliche semi-power fantasy dude who's given some isekai hacks to persevere through the scavenging-prone wastelands of this post-tech monopoly apocalypse. He wants to be the hero, cool, very nice, that's a good character trait. However, through this lecture, I've hardly learnt anything about him. Sure, he's tech-savvy and driven, but his only flaw is a pastiche cop-out of 'I care about others too much'. Sure, it's an easy reader substitute, but I can hardly relate to this and I'll explain why it's not just my jaded, assholish outlook. Tying in to what I said about the inner monologue and lack of voice, I feel like it's quite apparent this is Daiki's story and we're following it quite intently. However, I hardly get to experience what he's feeling throughout this whole ordeal. The world doesn't reflect anything and his actions all the less. The beginning of chapter 1 has that light thingy going on and even that doesn't come with fear or terror or curiosity, it's only a passive thing. This became a through-note as I progressed through the story, amplified by a lot of his feelings being, well, physical. He's tired, hungry, thirsty and in pain, but I can barely recall an instance when he was terrified, angry or felt minuscule, lost, adrift or out of control, all things which, based on his reaction in this very chapter, would feel rather natural? I'm not saying they don't exist, but I've spent a good enough deal with this story, dissecting through its words, so if my memory is lapsing, I feel they weren't too memorable to begin with. What I can appreciate, however, is this very clear sense of goal. I think it's a huge positive to give the reader a sense of aim early on so that they'll have one thing to force them to sign the sacred reading contract, chapter by chapter.
I could go into the sequencing and narrative bits too, but I feel like that's not very productive having only 2 chapters worth of stuff to comment on. That being said I'll stop here. To give any piece of advice, read some Nebula award winners or some dystopian YA (Maze Runner or Divergent, I guess). And maybe try your hand at some short form stuff to perfect voice and style.
Bubbles, out.
