Aug 16, 2022
Tbh, I feel like you're focusing very hard on explaining a lot of the narration and the inner thoughts and it gets very distracting after a while. Some details, especially, are inconsequential and prolonging them not only adds nothing, but it detracts from the paragraph itself. On their own, knowing how Sakura's kingdom worked and what she can and can't do is fine, but I can't help feeling like the way and place they're presented is lacking.
Notwithstanding that, I feel like there's a bit of monologue syndrome to this story. A lot of the lines are long and quickly become droning. For a comedy, I feel like you'd be better off using brisk, snappy exchanges, more so than long lines without punchlines. Furthermore, I get the feeling that the characters are very glassy, all of them are very forthcoming and it creates this oxymoronic impression that they're all very disingenuous.
