Jun 30, 2022
Hiho,
I'mma begin by seing this is quite an interesting premise. There are a lot of post-apoc/cyberpunky elements with the whole slums on the outskirts, social stratta, an almost literal Psycho Pass, the whole happiness as an imperative rather than a natural occurrence. I find it quite an intriguing world to build which you've done so quite eloquently.
However (and this will be long), I would be remiss if I didn't point out a couple of things I found rather lacking.
First off, Peter Jordansen made me cackle. That's bad, it hurt me significantly.
Second off, I think the prose is overloaded with details that ultimately don't contribute to a narrative flow. A lot of the descriptions feel rigid and focus almost exclusively on the visual. I understand that the whole point is colour-coding and it lends to a certain forced perspective, but while I appreciate that, I think you're missing out on more subtle details. The anti-philocaly shown through the lack of some rather handy figures of speech (similes and personification, for example) and the lack of introspection makes the composition feel very dull at times.
Furthermore, while I appreciate the dogma of no exposition, I think when you're introducing many elements in a short span of time, you're due some explanation. I found myself rather lost in many of the buzzwords early on and while some of them became apparent in function, I think some of the worldbuilding could use a little more text dedicated to it.
Length-wise and this will sound kind of retarded but bear with me, I think you're shooting yourself in the foot with the amount of time you spend detailing things that I genuinely find to be easily shortened or cut. For me, everything until the encounter with Ken seems to be building up Roy's character, which I feel could be more succinctly and effectively gleaned if the events were compacted. This is mostly to say that I find a fair bit of the worldbuilding happening to be interesting, but not enough for my reader's peanut-brain.
For what it's worth, though, I thoroughly enjoy the little tidbits you manage to insert subtly. I feel like this storytelling should be of greater focus to you, since it feels much aligned to the story I think you want to tell. The most explicit example would be the soldiers wearing 'gray fatigues'. I found that a brilliant example because in a colourful world, the law MUST be gray, inaesthetic, bland and trenchant. I'd love to see more of these things.
Anyway, that's all.
Bubs, out.
