Dec 21, 2022
Your opening paragraph is a bit long and is belabored by way too many generic turns of phrase / uses of figurative language.
Break up your opening paragraph into shorter more digestible chunks and read over the language or imagery you use and cut out a couple of them (cancerous sore, death stalking you like prey, etc). We basically get the point by the third sentence, but you overwrite after that and since the actual prose or figurative imagery isn't really all that engaging, it becomes really easy to get bored before you've even began.
Overall, keep it simple. Learn to cut things out, especially in a piece that's all about the main character being lonely, angsty, and miserable, because there's nothing more boring to read than someone's sob story, and don't linger on excessive imagery if the writing isn't there to back it up.