Jul 29, 2021
I'm fine with the contents of the worldbuilding itself but I do find the conversation between Mana and her grandfather nothing more than an excuse to dump exposition.
Don't get me wrong, it's very hard to balance exposition and to weave it naturally into a conversation. I think that having Mana and her Grandpa talk so generally about the history of magic, as if explaining it to an invisible third party despite both of them already knowing it, is a bit awkward.
Likewise, Mana commenting that she thinks her Grandpa might consider her a substitute for his dead granddaughter who died in the war, it feels very unnatural. You could have it hinted instead of having Mana very openly tell the audience the nature of their relationship.
That's all from me; I hope to see you continue this story!
