Jul 20, 2021
Just some context, if you were aiming for a mature audience, this would be great starter hook, but for pg-13 audiences (all audiences by the contest’s standards), this could be a major turn off that really hurts the readership and possibly affect judging.
Personally, if you were to end part 1 of the 3 parts of your book on this chapter, I feel that
1. Your comedic this base would really build up to the dark side theme you have (aka live it a thriller), the encounter between the twins and our operator could possibly be a nice foreshadow (at least if I read your intent properly) and
2. It would really hook folks to want to read the rest of your book. The build up/setup makes a world of difference (currently the order gives a sense of dissonance, feels like the story isn’t as well thought out as it could be), even though you have a great idea of where you want to take the story.