Jul 21, 2021
I love the strong premise you start, but personally, Maribell's dialogue doesn't seem to line up as consistently with the feelings you say she has towards snazzy. This suggestion comes from putting myself into Maribel's position based on how you describe her reactions. Your work stands to benefit and have more impact on the reader if you used simple, powerful dialogue to express her emotions
For example, a simple "EEEK" (shrill scream) in response to Snazzy's intro would more powerfully convey disgust and terror and be a very natural reaction if I were in Maribel's position.
Screaming "STOPPPPP" when Snazzy is feeling her up during her failed magic casting would really convey how annoyed and frustrated she was.
Maribel having no words in response to being in each other's care, seems odd to me (thank you but questioning the jellyfish or even saying "After we get out of here, we need to talk boundaries" would make the feelings and dialogue match and be more powerful.
The reason this matters is that it gives me a reader that Maribell is a doll/plaything rather than a living breathing character (even though Snazzy did totally save her life).
I will say this is the first work I've come across where a displeased Female MC (tsundere) is completely justified
The premise is interesting, but this work would really shine if you can manage to really have Maribell express in dialogue her feelings with Snazzy chan
