Dec 28, 2022
Whoopsie ... seems like I've exceeded the 10k characters maximum with my comment, so I'll split this 😅
(1/2)
Thank you for writing! 🫶😊
This book indeed turned out massive: More than 110k words is quite an achievement. You could have easily made a trilogy out of that. But I truly know how stuff can slide out of hand if you really immerse yourself into the world and the characters you created start to actually breathe and demand a lot of breathing space. You really had a big cast afterall. Not just our heroes, but also on the monster side, each and everyone of them with their little backstory.
And you've probably seen that this comment is much longer, so you probably also know what is coming now: The critique and feedback part 😉
I really loved the characters and their quite different personalities + how they interacted with one another. They were not just one-dimensional paper cutouts but had their edges and quirks. I guess the main love interest Ayase was the most notable and in my eyes most successful one. She was a quite interesting and refreshing take on the Yandere stereotype that actually made the secretly impulsive angel much more relatable.
Hideki himself was interesting and great as well, while still falling into the rather classical shounen protagonist stereotype a few times (it's not a problematic one after all, but sometimes can be a bit jarring - absolutely not true for Hideki). He had a backstory and trauma but it could have been spread out a little more + it didn't really have a lasting impact or relevance for the story. Nonetheless, he was a very likeable and great character that probably everyone would be happy to have as a friend.
Mayu was really outgoing and naturally held the group together with her kindness, ultimately being ready to sacrifice herself to save the others. While you tried placing her in the leader role and she actually tried delivering on it, I still have to say that this was only successful to a degree. Part of it was due to the fact that the whole story was told from Hideki's perspective and therefore centerd around him. Another part is that he was mostly the one to step up when it got dangerous. Even in the turning classroom he ended up helping her in the end. And I guess she was a bit too considerate/nice with everyone. I don't say that leader personalities are assholes, but they definitely have a more or less strong presence and arrogance vibing with them (not necessarily in the bad sense).
A great example of this would be Erwin Smith from Attack on Titan (Spoilers until Season 3). He mostly broods alone on his decisions and always has a plan. Once he decided on something, he stands his ground no matter what and has a whole different gravitas then for example Armin. That is why Armin has troubles "living up" to Erwin's legacy. In that point he is too considerate and too nice and a bit like Mayu.
There might also be other parts that play into this as well, but at least those were the ones I found for me right now.
All the other characters had their own things and personalities as well. Most notably I really enjoyed the developments from Misaki, Hotaru and Kazuya. They were not really the most present characters plot-wise, but the arc of their decisions and internal conflict was done really well and tied in great with the story. In my eyes, Misaki was probably even the best-written character next to Ayase - even though the latter one didn't receive that much development after becoming "the girlfriend™".
Noriko on the other end felt a bit dull at times. And this sounds rather harsh but isn't that troubling, actually. Like all the other characters, she had a backstory and she had a personality, but her ties to the story were rather loose. She was likeable and her loneliness was really relatable, though. I really enjoyed her! Still, in the end she felt a bit like she was nothing more than a walking danger detector.
What I want to note regarding the characters in general is that you are characterizing your characters mostly directly (through explicitly introducing a situation or memory). That increases your complexity and detail drastically without being necessary all the time. All exposition that is not necessary to understand the plot is optional! I know that every second Shounen does that thing you try to achieve with your interlude, whenever someone dies, but that doesn't mean it is good. There are much more elegant ways to transport character information beforehand than snapping out of the current plot and to deliver a kind of "filler chapter" detailing information that aren't relevant for the plot progression. You also didn't need to do that for Daichi and Emi in Blue Memory and they still had a great personality and character.
So go ahead and layer information, imply things and hint at stuff. You're already doing that amazingly with other more plot-relevant details, so why not as well for character exposition and personalization? You're not even obligated to tell the story chronologically with cutbacks. You can withhold information, cut out of an dialog and only show what someone said once it gets relevant or just to spread the exposition out a bit through other means.
Another thing I'd like to mention is the way you used "magic" (Hotaru's psychic powers). They can definitely be classified as soft magic (magic without strict limitations). This type of magic has the great disadvantage, that it can quickly feel like you as the author are cheating. After all there are no strict rules or limits defined for what is possible and what not. If you go through and add new information just as you see fit, it feels like you are changing things up just the way the plot needs them to be. Like saying "Okay, back then she could only sense danger, but now she is also able to sense where the home ec room is because it comes in handy right now." That is why soft magic is so hard to get right, but there definitely are different ways like making it "harder" and tying its capabilities to e. g. emotions, physical condition or some external factors to make it more tangible. This could be magic currents flowing through the air for example. That allows you to announce changes in those factors beforehand. With the resulting changes, used magic changes do not come out thing air.
A thing that also partly plays into that is the home ec room. Why did that never get attacked? 😅 I mean it's not like Noriko cast a protection spell onto the doors. It just seemed like they were always save from the monsters whenever they were in that room and the monster sat outside patiently waiting for someone to come out.
And let's be honest in regards to the length of this novel: You could have easily condensed this down into under 90k words or even less. It's similar to filler episodes in anime: They don't hurt and actually are a nice experience, but they also don't have a big impact on the plot progression. Therefore the sheer amount of encounters or "quest points" waters down the general exposition and in turn the overall experience.
Or to put it differently: Just because you have an idea for a quest point doesn't mean that you should also include it. Just as an example: The whole biology teachers lair consisted of three rooms (the rotating classroom, the pool and his lab), when the pool and lab would have easily been enough. Or to be even more radical: If I'm not mistaking, you could even go as far as completely cutting the biology teacher out of the story (and reduce the number of keys accordingly), without having the hugest impact on the overall plot progression.
And what I always learned is that if you can cut something out without it affecting the overall plot structure, it is a sign that you should. And yes, I know by first-hand experience how painful this can be. It isn't called "Kill your darlings" for nothing.
I get that this extra-plot doesn't hurt and it is enjoyable, but a slow plot progression kills the pacing. In the most extreme cases reading could start feeling like a chore - the same feeling you get when opening the map of the next best open world game nowadays and every bit of your screen is filled with markers and interesting places to explore. You start thinking "if there is that much to do, how long will it take me to even get one step further?" and people have enough other things they can do nowadays, so they might rather switch to something different. (Plus 110k words is really intimidating for a light novel)
Instead of 5-6 (?) monster encounters and/or keys, 3 of you best ones would have done the trick just as well. This way you could have also focused more on Misaki's character development and her redemption arc. That one was a bit of rather radical turn in the last chapter. Because that is what writes the greatest stories: Interactions, opposing and mutli-layered characters clashing and changing together. And yes, their environment (the school) can be seen as a character as well. It just has to contribute to the plot and the other character's development.
